An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 24, January 24, 2012
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I just woke up this morning and I really miss you, but it makes me so angry because of what you did to me that it hurts. And the anger and hurt are so much that I don’t want to see you again. You first, it is your fault. You first, I’m not bowing down to you when it is you that wronged me. But I miss you so much. I’m so sorry but it’s just so hard to make a fool of myself being the one to grovel and reach out to you when you hurt me. I’m sorry but I just can’t, goodbye.
And we repeat the next day.
I just woke up this morning and I really miss you, but it makes me so angry because of what you did to me that it hurts. And the anger and hurt are so much that I don’t want to see you again. You first, it is your fault. You first, I’m not bowing down to you when it is you that wronged me. But I miss you so much. I’m so sorry but it’s just so hard to make a fool of myself being the one to grovel and reach out to you when you hurt me. I’m sorry but I just can’t, goodbye.
I remember a movie that I watched where a man cheated on his wife. I’m sure he enjoyed youth and beauty and good old fashioned hot sex with his lover like he hadn’t experienced since he was courting having hot sex with his young beautiful bride. Then she found out, as wives are prone to do. And of course she left him in a huff, more like she left with her heart ripped out of her chest with dull forceps. She went back to her parent’s house to hate him and die of heartache. Of course Mr. lover-cheater boy realized after she went away that he really fucked up, as we humans, especially us boys are prone to do. He realized that he really loved her, and he was only lonely and horny and mad and rebellious when he cheated, and he realized that he “screwed” up in the worst way. He then spends the rest of the movie trying to make amends. He tries everything. But she won’t have it. Finally he shows up at her parents’ house and begins riding a bicycle round and round on the front lawn. And he rides and rides and rides and rides until he finally crashes and collapses. Of course to make the movie good she breaks into tears and finally runs out to help him. Someone out there please remind me of the name of this film. I saw it as a young boy, and when she ran out in tears to hold him and forgive him I jumped up and cheered and yelled, “yeah!”, and then my whole family laughed at me.
Well here I am 40 years later and I invite you to laugh at me. You can fall in Love, but you can not fall out of Love. When you fall in Love, you are bound to fall in Anger and Hurt, but you can not fall out of Love. If you fall out of Love, then you were never in Love to begin with. Or you are still in Love, but currently in Hurt Pride. I often ask myself, which is bigger and more enduring, Love or Hurt? I say Love and so do you.
I often feel so sorry for huge famous millionaire stars. Poor people I think. But today I am wily with ideas of Love. So I am going to take a pot-shot at Tiger and his ex wife. I feel bad for doing this, but I’m lying or I would stop now. He chose fame and the spotlight and millions of dollars and extramarital sex in public, so he deserves this. But watch out Mrs. Ex Woods because you are exactly 50% of the scandal, and you deserve this too.
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Boy!, and Girl!…………. Aren’t you readers curious!? Well if I continue, you have to swear to obey exactly what I inspire you to do. “Well what is that?”, you ask. Cheater. Don’t you dare go past this spot unless you swear unconditionally to obey your heart, broken or not.
OK, here we are. I trust you, so let’s continue.
First, let me explain my wedding vows so that you understand. When I committed to the most spectacular woman on Earth, I committed to do my best, but added that I may not be perfect. In fact I may even behave like an idiot like Tiger. I announced that I may act like a stupi fool like Tiger (and his wife). I added that boys, and me especially, are prone to follow our lust around, especially when our sexy bride-turned-boring-not-sexy-or-fun-wife pisses me off. My vows say that when, (not if) that happens I will try to live without the affection and attention and SEX that I crave, but if I just can’t, and if I feel hurt and angry and rebellious, then I will naturally be attracted to younger, sweeter, sexier kitty cats, just like you used to be my bride. If that happens then I will want to seduce and bed them, hold them and have them bed me and hold me. I will be attracted to their babies that I will give them, and I will be attracted to their ears that listen to my needs and just the sound of my voice, and especially their pancakes in the morning. If I find that she is in fact better that you, I may in fact stay with her when you run off to your parents to hate me. And then you can spend the rest of your life wondering why you weren’t affectionate enough, not sexy enough, not attentive enough, not giving enough, and why your pancakes were not good enough. Your loss.
And I agree to suffer the same from you. If you find that I have become boring and inattentive and I am no longer sexy, and I no longer care or listen, you may just “screw” up. And if you find that Mr. Replacement is younger and sexier and funnier and better than me, if you find that he makes good pancakes and I didn’t make any, I reserve the right to run off to my parents house to hate you, and you can keep your new man. My loss.
And my wedding vows continue… But, if after I really mess up and hurt you, I realize that I was just lonely and horny and angry and rebellious and vengeful, aka stupid idiot, as boys are prone to be and do, if I run off with Miss 18 Year Old Perfect Porn Star By Night And Sunday School Mommy With Good Pancakes By Day, and I realize I fucked up and Still Love you (since I can’t fall out of Love), then I reserve the right to come to your parents’ house (p.s. parents, never, never let your kids come back home when they are fighting with their spouses), and do cartwheels on the front lawn until my hands bleed and cause the neighbors to cry, and I expect you to forgive me because I love you. That was a very long sentence. I Loved you before and I still do. Then you will show me that your Love is larger than your pain or pride. And I won’t forget to mention, I’m so sorry, and I know you are too.
And my wedding vows continue….. And if you run off with a whole tribe of perfect Eskimos and marry and sleep with all of them, with their teeth full of seal fat, but then realize you were really, really mad, but still Love me, just like the day you wore that white dress, then you will chase me to the ends of this broken-hearted earth and cartwheel in your tattered wedding dress until you pass out. My hurt pride and ego is big just like yours, so I will wait until the neighbors cry for sure before I run out to you crying to forgive you. But I promise that I will show you that my love is larger than my pain or pride. And you will not forget to mention, you are so sorry and so am I.
“Wow!”, you must be saying. “This Roe takes his Love seriously, and has a really long wedding with those vows!” Well, hang on my roller coaster of Love, because we just made it to half way mark. Mrs. Woods should have showed up at the penthouse where Tiger was sneaking his young, but second class cheater chick, dressed like a Parisian courtesan, with fighting lust in one hand and the best pancakes on Earth in the other. She had History and Memories and Love and Babies on her side. Besides, she can Love and Listen and Fuck and Mother, and Cook better than any long legged Maserati out there, or she ain’t in Love, and never was. You have to fight for your Love, pain or pride, or you aren’t in Love.
And now the wedding crescendo. Forget cartwheels and pancakes my young bride. Forget pride and ego and stupid mistakes of just being well meaning people doing their best and feeling pain. We promise to do everything right to love each other, but we mess it all up, it is going to happen because we are in fact fragile and hopeful children at heart. When I incite you to lust and rebellion out of sheer boredom and anger at my inability to keep you in Love, and you run off with all the Eskimos, watch out baby, because I’m not waiting for you to come back begging. You have to fight for your Love, pain or pride, or you aren’t in Love.
I know you Love me, and I Love you. You are going to find me on the polar ice cap learning to fish for seals to make my teeth green with fat like no Eskimo ever dreamed. I will kidnap you while you are sleeping, and hold you captive while I cry at the front door of the igloo screaming at you for how you hurt me, and how I won’t leave until you return to my bed and life. When the whole tribe of Eskimos show up to rescue their new green teethed princess, I will emerge from my hand built ice palace and explain to them in fluent Eskimo that they have no hope at all of fighting real Love. Some of them will run away in tears, others in fear, but most will simply laugh and take all our fat seals. They could never, and never did, Love you like I do, or I am not in Love and neither are you.
Ok, you agreed readers. Since you couldn’t help but read on about how Tiger ended up in the north pole crying with a pile of fat seals, and how the Mrs is standing there in Parisian courtesan garb with a handful of pancakes. Now is your turn, you promised. Now you have to learn Eskimo!
Here is Eskimo and every other culture in the world: “Love is larger than pain and pride”. In every heart on the planet it feels like this: “I just woke up this morning and I really miss you. It doesn’t matter how angry and hurt I am. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow without you”. Despite anything, I still Love you. I always did, and I always will.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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