Musings From The Heart
An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 154 June 2, 2012
To Be Loved As We Are
Who am I? Who are you?
Does anyone really know the answer to those questions? There are certain things that are obvious
about me. I am a human being, and I
can’t change that. I am a male, and I
can’t change that either. I am 49 years
old, and as much as I would like to roll time back a bit, I am growing old. I have blond hair and blue eyes, and I am of
100% percent German decent. Though I can dye my hair and hide my eyes, though I
can pretend not to be white Caucasian or a guy, I still remain a middle aged,
white, male human being of German decent with blond hair and blue eyes. Even though there is a lot more to who I am,
those are the permanent and obvious stats of what I am. Unfortunately, none of
the above really explains or relates or defines WHO I am.
Who I am resides in my heart, I am an emotional and feeling
creature, and who I am is the ME of my self.
My self has very little to do with my species or gender or genealogy or
appearance. My self is who I feel that I
am, and who I am is more about the things you won’t be able to know just by my
basic stats. My self is more about my
personality, and my self is more about my history. My self is how I express myself, and my self
is how I give and receive Love. I very much desire to love you, and I very much
desire that you love me, but I don’t want to be loved because I am simply a 49
year old, white, German decent male human being with blond hair and blue
eyes. I want you to you to love ME, and
me means that you particularly love my SELF, and that is my distinct and unique
personality and personhood that resides in my heart.
To be loved as we are is very rare indeed, and very, very
special. Truly only young children and
animals, especially dogs, love us just as we are. I am currently healthy and good looking, I am
successful and affluent, I am athletic and very affectionate, I am attentive
and devoted and responsible, I am funny and sexy and actively sexual, I am quite smart and also very capable, I am
nice to be around, and I hope easy and satisfying to love. There are people in my life that love Roe. I’m
sure that I am loved for being a blond haired, blue eyed German American male
human being, and for all my great traits, but I really hope and dream that I am
truly loved for more than that. Does
anyone truly see ME? Does anyone truly
love the real me that is in my heart and personality and unique self-ness?
What if I become unhealthy and ugly? What if I become unsuccessful and poor? What if I become lazy and fat and mean? What if I am no longer affectionate or sexy
or sexual? What if I become stupid and incompetent
and inattentive and selfish and irresponsible?
What if I am no longer fun and easy and nice to be around? Will anyone still love ME? I really doubt it. I better go and get me some dogs and small
children who can love me just as I am, no matter what, unconditionally, just
for ME, no matter HOW I am, because all of you love me with so many conditions
and expectations.
How sad that we love people, especially our spouses, for HOW
they are, not for WHO they are. It’s
like we found then in a department store window all dressed up just the way we
like them, and they even had the digitronic human-like behaviors that fit in
perfectly with what we dreamed of as children.
Our spouses made us look good when we found them, and they made us laugh
and made us orgasm and made us happy by looking like and acting like and doing
just like we wanted and loved when we fell in possession with them. Obviously if they had been too fat, or had
too many pimples, if they had been too lazy or daft or weird or dirty or poor
or selfish, or anything at all that turned us off, we wouldn’t have fallen in
love with them. How sad is that? I’m totally sure that lots of happy dogs and
small children would have loved them and us exactly like they and we were,
pimply, fat, poor, lazy, stupid, and ugly.
Part of being loved as we are is to know who we are, so
others can know who we are. If we are
always conforming and serving and accommodating and pleasing and doing exactly
what and how we are supposed to do, just at the right time and place, we most
certainly haven’t a clue WHO we are.
Part of being loved as we are by others is to love ourselves as we are,
and with all our longing and striving and hoping and dreaming and changing and
chasing this and that all the time, how are we ever going to love ourselves
precisely just as WE are? If we really
don’t know who or how we are, and if we really don’t love how or who we are, we
definitely aren’t going to be loved by anyone just as we are, right? Sadly, yes, but that is not what Love and
loving truly is.
If we love ourselves and others for appearances and
circumstances and events and histories, and if we love ourselves and others as
manifestations and results and actions and production, we of course aren’t
loving at all, but merely conditionally and temporarily using ourselves and
others to feel good and benefit superficially.
To love a person as they are is to love their life spark, to love their
personhood as a being, without regard to how that is expressed or
manifested. Rover and little baby Anne
and Andy don’t window shop for just the right expression or manifestation of
you that fits them at the moment, and Rover and baby Anne or Andy don’t date
you or give you chances or ask you to fill out a questionnaire, and Rover and baby
Anne or Andy don’t ever file for divorce or tell you that they hate you or
don’t love you anymore or run away. Love
of and for another person, like love of self, is unconditional. We spouses like to believe that and say it and other mushy things
in our greeting cards when things are all lovey-dovey, but fake Love quickly
turns to pain and hate when things don’t fit into the greeting card anymore,
and we realize that we don’t really love ourselves or anyone else, we only love
loving and being loved.
To love someone as they really are, we turn on the warming
lamp in our heart and shine it towards this person, and we illuminate their
soul with approving and accepting and appreciating and adoring Love. Once this light is truly on in can never be
turned off, it is like the eternal flame glows for us and them, and Love light
never becomes Love un-light just because we or the time or our feelings have
changed. That would be like stopping to
Love ourselves, or stopping to exist. If
we simply can’t love someone as they are, we simply can’t and don’t love that
person, and if we simply don’t love that person but thought we did, we should
ask ourselves whether we simply don’t love ourselves but just think that we did
or do.
Love is not immature and capricious and fleeting like we
are. Love is always there ready to warm,
all we have to do is face the light and smile upon ourselves and others. It’s really nice when you do it. When we know and love ourselves we can love
others, and when we know and love ourselves, others can know and love us too. I
want to be loved just as I am, not just as I act or perform or appear. I know that you desire the same. May you be loved for the Love in your heart, just
as you are, and may your heart love others the for the Love in their heart,
just as they are.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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