An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 69, March 9, 2012
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Today I have decided that I love you. When you said that you loved me too, that made me feel very nice. Thank you for that, and you are welcome too. Now you and I can live happily ever after. The interesting conundrum with loving each other and expressing it to each other is that we have no assurance or safeguard whatsoever that “happy” will be anywhere in the neighborhood, and “ever after” includes any manner of nightmares of loving you and being loved by you. We all long to say and hear those words, I love you, I love you, I love you, and yet we just cocked the pistol of the “ever after” of, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Today I have figured out that I love to love people, and people love to love me for the way that I love them. That makes me feel like they love me. That is sad for me. I feel like a handful of carp food dropping into the very small water of a pond with way too many very big carp in it. Ever since I was a little boy I have acceded to feel loved by the feeling of being fed upon by hungry people thirsty for my love. That is really sad. It causes me to wonder what love is really, and what it feels like to love or be loved. Since the Hippies decided that Love is all there is, being a very loving little child that feels like carp food must be Love. That is really sad love.
I think there must be graduations of Love, like little ones and big ones, and nice ones and icky ones. My mind is sure that scales and judgments systems will hierarch Love into its pigeon holes and pockets, but my heart is sure that Love is Love is Love, and you still get to pass Go in the Monopoly of life whether you have big Love or little Love or a lot of Love, or a handful of carp food Love. Right now I just really want to feel really loved for being Me, and I stretch out my hand because I need carp food too. Does anyone want to give Love to me?
Right now I want Love to be the feeling that someone is giving of their self to Love me. It is nice when you fry me an egg or knit me a sweater, or admire looking at me, or bask in the space of me. But are you consuming my carp food as you do those things? Right now I have 67 cents in my pocket, and it feels so nice to Love you and be with you at this moment. Yes it is true that I will have 67 cents after sharing my self and Love with 10 rooms full of people for 10 days, such is the way that I Love. But when I depart our time and space together, I long to feel as though I have 68 cents, or even 68 dollars of Love, thanks to you. Are you giving of your self to me? Are you loving me to get that extra penny that you need so badly, or are you putting a beautiful penny in my outstretched hand that Loves you so much?
Love is everything of course. Love is the feeling of receiving of self from another, and of giving of self to another. Love is also the feeling of being loved, and loving that feeling of being loved, which is a Self based Love that exhibits a lack of Love for self. You loving me because of how I Love you, or loving me since I Love you, or reciprocating the feeling of loving because you are loved, is not loving me. At the end of the moment or hour or lifetime, we must all count the pennies in our pockets. We all long for 67 billion pennies, but in fact are loathe to realize that we are now down to only 66 or 36 cents after a lifetime of loving.
That causes me to ask myself If I really love you? Am I loving you out of need to have my 67 cents or replenish my 67 cents, or care whether I have any shiny coins of Love at all? Am I getting off on being carp food for people feeding upon me as Love as the only way I can give and receive Love? How whole am I as Love and in Love without you? Am I bankrupt right before we meet, and then you and I spend all our time depositing each other back and forth in the bank to exercise the feeling of having Love when we have none and feel none? Are we both mutually and dependently cannibalizing each other by eating each other’s carp food, and calling it a pocket full of shiny love? I think you and me are all those things and doing all those things.
I really want to you to know that it costs me to Love you, and I want to know that after our Love you have too many pennies to fit into your outstretched hand. I want to feed upon you as a ravenous carp, and when I am done you are even happier and plumper than when we began. I want you to feel and know that I can’t help giving of my self and Love to you, and that miraculously when I give you all my 67 cents, I have 79 left over. I deeply long to feel that way myself by just knowing you and loving you, and being loved by you. No bank robber will ever need dynamite coming to our bank, since we burst the walls overnight when our pennies won’t stop reproducing, and we love the robbers so much for stealing from us that they move into our spare room since they are embarrassed to shed happy tears in public.
And then when we part or fight or make pain on each other, all of a sudden the bank is deserted, the carp swim away, and we return to our penniless state of lack of Love for self and other, all the while blaming each other for inappropriate withdrawals. I guess we were just loving being loved from someone loving being loved, and we were in love with the feeling of love, and not each other. That does not mean that we don’t love each other, but it doesn’t mean that we love each other.
If you Love me then you can’t stop loving me, no matter what I do, or how. It costs you to Love me, and you can’t get enough of the expenditure, despite the fact that you don’t need to spend anything at all to have Love. I don’t need to Love you at all, and I get nothing from it that I don’t already have, and yet I am addicted to the joy of watching your pennies grow and wane, and never running out of pennies myself. They say that generosity is not giving what you can spare, but giving what you cannot live without. Love is simply loving, and you cannot get it wrong, while every Love falls short of true generosity.
I need you to Love yourself first, and Love yourself selfishly. You may give what you can spare, and hoard my pennies in your hand, and you may feed upon me. I am here to Love me and you, and hoard and feed, just like you. And in the process of our lack of self Love and need for Love from each other, I will hope that you’ll find me sitting there in your heart truly loving you for you, because I expect to find you in my heart, happy to give everything, yet needing to do nothing to Love. Love is a clever girl and boy. You and I are a clever girl and boy. I love you, and appreciate knowing that you love me. Thank you for that, and you are welcome too.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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