Musings From The Heart
An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 97 April 6, 2012
Feeling Down And Unhappy
Depression Part 1
Today I woke up feeling down and unhappy. When I feel down I realize that previously I
felt up, or higher, and now, like a depression in the ground, I feel down, or
lower. What is it exactly to feel down?
Yesterday my feeling was up, and happy, while today I feel down and unhappy. The first thing is do is examine yesterday to
find the circumstances and environment of my up, happy feeling, and I find that
indeed yesterday was an up and happy day, and that made me feel up and happy. Today the circumstances of up and happy have
changed, and now my environment and circumstances are down and unhappy, so I
suppose I must feel down and unhappy due to the changed circumstances of my
life. It seems that the human feeling of
up-ness and happiness are dependent upon environment and circumstances, and so
it seems that me and my mood and happiness must be just a result of how my life
goes around me. So today I will set
about to correct and amend my environment and circumstances and change it to
what I want. If I am merely a product of
my life around me, and if I can change my environment and circumstances, then I
can control my feelings and mood and happiness, and I can change my life.
Unfortunately the above paragraph makes
perfect sense, and it is the most normal and natural paradigm of all of our
lives. Unfortunately the above paragraph
is completely false, and it is a precarious and very unhappy existence to live
a life dependent on environment and circumstances. True human feelings of up-ness and happiness
are innate, interior, foundational states that precede any circumstance or
environmental effects. A truly up and happy person is happy no matter the
circumstance or environmental change. A
down or unhappy person is down or unhappy no matter what the circumstance or
environment, and any up-ness or happiness simply becomes a temporary state
which will eventually descend back into feeling down and unhappy.
Deep in the core of our hearts and minds we
are who we are, and we were meant to be gestated in the womb happily, and
birthed happily, and have joyous and loving and happy childhoods. All people who were gestated in the womb
happily, and who had gentle and loving births, and who had joyous and loving
and happy childhoods are up and happy people, no matter what the circumstance
or environment. These people maintain their original and innate and good and
happy foundational states into adulthood.
Deep in the core of our hearts and minds, all people who are down and
unhappy are what they have become, and they had unhappy gestations in the womb,
and horrifying and terrifying and death defying births, and they had un-joyous
and un-loving and un-happy childhoods.
Down and unhappy people are not down and unhappy people at all, for
feeling up and happy is our natural state.
Down and unhappy people are simply victims of down and unhappy
circumstances and environments, and these people are now simply dependent on
circumstances and environment for their up-ness and happiness since they have
lost their normal and natural states.
The base line and home base and original
state and common denominator and natural state of Life and humanity is Love,
and Love is up and happy. When Love is
honored and valued and respected and practiced in fetuses and babies and
children and, then Love remains just as it always was and always will be, up
and happy and loving. When Love is dis-honored and de-valued and dis-respected
and mal-practiced with fetuses and babies and children, then fetuses and babies
and children get hurt and fetuses and babies and children get angry and fetuses
and babies and children get disappointed, and these poor victims grow up to be
adults who are down and unhappy who will always be dependent on circumstances
and environment for up-ness and happiness, since they have lost their natural state.
If up-ness and happiness are our original,
natural, and innate states, that means that we can all return to this state,
and what was dis-honored and de-valued and dis-respected, and mal-practiced
with us as fetuses and babies and children, can be corrected, and cured, and
healed, so that we can return to what we had, and what we needed, and what we
expected when we were young. The lost,
natural state of inner up-ness and happiness cannot be permanently be recovered
by anything we do, except for mourning for what we lost, and grieving for what
happened to us, and crying and feeling the trauma and deprivation and
unfulfilled needs of our inner fetuses and babies and children. We cannot heal ourselves or be healed by
anyone else unless we mourn and grieve and cry and feel our pain, it is the
only way. What happened to us to alter
our natural up and happy state happened to a fetus and baby and child that was
pre cortical, pre conceptual, pre verbal, pre believing, pre doing, and
acting. No idea, no thought, no concept,
no words, no belief, no doing or acting can access the trauma and deprivation
and unfulfilled needs of our inner fetus and inner baby, and inner child. Only tears and feeling pain can cure or heal
us, and tears are in actuality medicine for the heart, for it is the heart that
is wounded in a down and unhappy person.
We will never be happy by believing in God,
and God cannot help us to find inner happiness, we cannot become rich or famous
to be happy, we cannot go to college or buy that coveted anything to be happy,
and we cannot fall in Love or Love or find anyone who will ever make us happy,
if we are down and unhappy by inner nature as a result of what happened to
us. God and religion are circumstantial
and environmental crutches, money and education and status are circumstantial
and environmental crutches, material possessions and Love and people in our
lives are circumstantial and environmental crutches, and the proof is obvious
in how we feel and act when we stop our belief and devotion to outside sources
and help (religion and God), stop working and studying and buying and proving
and producing and stop chasing that up and happy rainbow in any way. Everyone
of course that is down or unhappy, by their lost nature after a sad and
disappointing and traumatic childhood and life, simply falls apart and returns back
to being down and unhappy when they get off the treadmill of up-ness and
happiness maintenance and searching. We
lost our selves and our up-ness and happiness long before any of the above, and
so any attempts for happiness other than facing our own pain and problems from
our birth and childhoods are ineffectual.
When we were conceived we were perfect and
exquisite creatures, no less than a V12 Formula 1 factory racing Ferrari on the
starting line on race day. After a life
of getting abused and beat up, when our engines are down 3 cylinders, when we
have bad shocks, when our tires are flat and worn out, the only way we can
return to an exquisite and happy, winning race day, is to return to the
original race drivers (us as fetuses and babies and children) and shop (our
childhood home), and mechanics (our parents), where everything got ruined, and
effect the repairs (grieve and cry), so that we can be restored. Believing in and worshipping the Grand
Ferrari God in the sky is not going to help us, studying and excelling in
automotive design isn’t going to help us, becoming a rich collector or sponsor
isn’t going to help us, learning to drive better or mechanic better isn’t going
to help us, and buying everything in sight to impress everyone and be famous
isn’t going to help us. We must face our
beginnings and heal and cure and restore the root origin of us, and we will
return to our beautiful and up and happy, high performance, racing, Ferrari
selves.
I am still feeling down and unhappy
today. This means that I need a good,
deep cry, and I need to follow my down-ness and unhappiness to the root cause
of why, after a lifetime, I am still feeling the ups and downs of a life of ups
and downs, that has been going up and down since I was even in the womb of my
mother. I’ve got 11 cylinders firing
now, and my shocks are perfect. My left
front tire is still a bit unpredictable, and now my paint back there near the
exhaust is flaking off. One day I’ll be
up and happy no matter what my circumstances or environment are, and my fellow
readers, that will be race day. I hope I
see you there.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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