Musings
From The Heart
An
Essay A Day For A Year
By
Roe
Day
119 April 28, 2012
Goodbye
Ben
How sad to drive by an
accident scene, fire trucks and ambulances all around, police directing
traffic, shocked onlookers whispering amongst themselves, and a stretcher with a body
covered by a sheet. One minute a very
typical older man is driving along in his pickup on a mountain road, and the
next he is careening down a ravine rolling over and over. I waited with my wife
and kids for nearly an hour since the road was closed while the rescue crews winched
his mangled pickup back up onto the road. During this time I felt as though one
of us had left Earth, and when I saw a mans feet, covered in blood, sticking
out from underneath the sheet on the stretcher, I knew that is was the driver
of the wrecked pickup. Every second of every day we spirits come and go, and we
have done so for longer than we have yet to record or prove. Birth is
celebrated and death is mourned, but spiritually it is simply “door open” and
then “door closed”.
On a direct and momentary
level, when I feel a spirit closing the door, I first feel a rush of gratitude,
I feel: “Wow!, thank you so much for coming!”. I then feel deep sadness: “Oh no,
you poor soul, goodbye!”. And then
finally I feel elation: “Now you’re home again, oh how wonderful!”. For me, learning of a death is a 1-2-3 of the
thank you of braving to come here to Earth, then the sadness of it coming to an
end, and then the delight of going back home to peace again.
When the older man died
today I felt as though I was reviewing his long life for him and sharing his
oohs and aahs and making his purpose here purposeful and his meaning
meaningful. I feel so impressed that he
came here, that he tried so hard, that he suffered so much, that he
accomplished so much, and that he again fell so short of what he accepted to
take on. I then cried inside as the moment of death actually overtook him, as
he felt that the end was upon him, and as he himself reviewed his purpose and
meaning, and as he cried out for the loves that he made and lost while he
lived.
At that moment I always
desire to change the way things “are”, and I want to cheat psychically and
spiritually. If I had my way I would
have had “Ben”, I’ll call him, go around to all the people he loved and would
miss, and all the people that loved him and would miss him, so he could say: “Goodbye!
Today I will over drive a sharp corner, lose control of my pickup, and die as
roll over and over down a canyon, and I just want to say goodbye and that I
love you and I will miss you”. When Ben
actually died, he was doing just that, in exquisite slow motion, with every
person that he touched here on Earth, and everyone that touched him.
The part that breaks my heart
is that he never actually, consciously, got to do that. As I write this essay
only hours after his “dying” and his closing the door once more to his
mortality, most of the people whose lives he touched and most of the people who
touched his life, do not yet know that Ben is dead. I feel so sad for Ben and
for all those that will experience the shock of “what?, and the tears of “oh
no”! I just want to say: “Goodbye Ben,
thank you for coming! And, Oh no Ben! It
is time to close the door and sadly not be able to say goodbye. And, how sweet it is Ben that now you are
clear sailing again, and all is well where there is no need to sail at all”. I
also want to say: “I’m so sorry” to all of those that know that Ben has died,
and I wish I could hug them all and sit with then as their tears and
condolences fall all around. I never
knew Ben face to face, but he is already missed.
Now for us living, who
maintain the door of mortality open, it is time that we move on and keep
Living, for that is what the spirit of dead Ben is wanting and expecting. Ben wants to remind me and for me to remind
us all, that our own doors and the doors of everyone we love are slowly
closing. We are dying minute by minute
and day by day, and so is everyone that we will ever meet, and all those that
we will not have the fortune or misfortune to meet. Please go and kiss your sleeping child right
now. Please go and beg for forgiveness
from your estranged loved one, even if you feel that you are not at fault. Death is upon you, and you will not make it
until morning, let alone make it to the next breath. The people you love just fell into a ravine
end over end with Ben, they just fought to cancer’s end, they just overdosed on
whatever was at hand just to have peace from our world.
You and I fellow lover and
struggler of Earth are here as chaperones to love and cherish Love, and to Love
and preserve the Love of the living, no matter what the circumstances. Our time here is brief, and every act and lesson
and Love, dark or light, worthy or disappointing, is a sharing of the life of
all souls, especially those that we touch and that touch us. This means that nothing matters more than
appreciating each other, and nothing matters more than using every moment
together to say: “Wow! Thank you for
being here! I just love and appreciate
you and your gesture so much! We must
take every opportunity to feel: “Oh how sad!
Is it your time now? For if it is
I just want you to know how much you mean to me, to Life! Goodbye in advance! And finally:
Please don’t worry! I worry too. I feel too.
I strive and fail and struggle and love and lose, just like you, and I
want to go home too. We are always together, now and when we are not, but this
living and feeling and being time here on Earth is beyond precious value for
you and me, and we must make it as priceless as it feels, every moment of every
day.
The “body” of Ben with the
sheet over his head is not really a body at all, It is you and me in one minute
or maybe tomorrow, and it is our child and our wife and our mother and our dear
friend this very second, or maybe next week.
Pick up the phone right now and say: “Hi!”, I miss you already!, to
every person you value. Walk down the block
and barge right in and say: “Did I mention how much I like you and appreciate
you so much?” When they look shocked or
laugh at you, tell them that Ben sent you. He and I will be very happy for your
efforts towards appreciating all the Love in our world and helping to spread it
all around before it’s our own time to close the door forever. Goodbye Ben,
thanks for coming. See you in bliss some
day.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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