An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 18, January 18, 2012
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My mind works kind of like a greeting card. Phrase and a feeling. Phrase and a feeling. When everyone else is browsing the 141 choices of breakfast cereal in the market, I sneak off to the greeting card section. If you ever see a guy bursting out loud laughing in front of the greeting cards at the market, that’s me. If you see a guy crying in front of the greeting cards at the market, that’s me too. “I’m so sorry you’re sad,” you’ll say. “Did you lose someone?”. “No, I’ll say,” wiping my eyes. “My wife is in the corn flake isle.” I guess I just like to feel. I really like watching people’s funny expressions when they don’t get it. Your expression is funny right now.
My favorite one recently said on the cover: “I love spooning with you!”, with a cute cartoon of two spoons cupped together. Then you open it and it says: “But I especially like forking with you!”, with a cartoon of two forks with their tines inter-tined. Cute just isn’t the word. So, you adults out there, what is your favorite? Do you like spooning better or forking better? Come on, you can tell me! By now after all our essays together we are friends right? Or maybe you only share private things like spooning and forking with strangers? Ok, after all our essays together we are strangers right? Come on!, I just gotta know.
Me, well I’m a horny devil. I really don’t understand the whole Viagra thing. With a whole imaginary drawer full of forks and spoons, who needs Viagra. My problem is I just can’t decide if the “oh!, this is so good!”, of spooning, or the “oh!, this is so good!”, of forking is better. Every single night I lay there touching my beauty from head to toe thinking, “oh!, this is so good!” And I just want to make fork so much, but I just don’t want the flood-light like warm glow of spooning to end. So I finally decide, “Let’s turn over!” And then “oh!, this is so good!”. Then I get distracted wondering if spooning front side or spooning back side is nicer. Finally I just can’t take the intimate closeness anymore and I lower the flood-light and opt for the forking laser beams. Or my cuddly lover decides to do the same. So if I had to decide between chocolate and ice cream, I choose both! “Good night sweetie!” I say, and I cuddle up tight. “See you in the morning, hee hee hee!”
I really think that the secret to my amazing love affair with wifey is our spooning and forking. Hugs both horizontal and vertical make for a happy relationship. Hugs both horizontal and internal make for a marriage full of both warm flood lights and dazzling laser beams. And a great marriage is full of both chocolate and ice cream. And sometimes even all over ourselves! But that is private and I didn’t say that. So…., here is my recommendation for a marriage full of “oh, this is so good!”, and hopefully lots of “hee, hee, hee” laser shows.
First: no pajamas! Pajamas are stupid looking on adults. How is your lover boy going to “oh!” at your spoon-forkiness if he can’t even see you or touch you? How is she going to feel the warm glow of your flood light dude, let alone your laser beam if you look like you are sleeping at Ronald McDonald house? No pajamas! All you get at my slumber party boys and girls “maybe” if you ask nicely, one tiny little g-string or thong each. “who me?”, he says. And I say, “yes you Mr. stud.” And no you can’t wear those humongicidal boxer unders that you could put 50 laser beams into. One roundy moundy sexy manly bulge that she can’t stop rubbing against is all you’re going to get. But best of all is stark ass fucking naked. (I was trying to be strong there.)
Next: get closer!. Yup, closer!. Uh, huh, closer! Finally, “Roe!, go to sleep for bleeps sake, you can’t get any closer!” “Ok, Ok”, I say, and then “hee, hee, hee, see you in the morning!” Yup, that is the spot. Head to toe cuddly, wuddly spooning, and especially let those private tines and valleys exchange each other’s warmth.
Then: as you drift off to sleep, just keep thinking, “oh, this is sooooo nice!” “Ooooooh!, turn over!” And bask in the joy of each other’s couple-ness, and sexy-ness, and I just love you so much-ness. And no, Mr. Horndog, this does not mean that touchy the nakey girly means forky for 3 minutes and then snorey all the time. She loves it when you hold her just because it is so sweet and nice and loving. She wants sweet warm glowing touch just for the sake of her, not always or too often for her deeper lovingness.
“Yeah!”, I can hear all the girls saying as boxers, pj’s, and Viagra pills fly out the window. Well Mrs. cuddle bug, here is the funnest part, and your challenge, because this ain’t church, and your mom and friends can’t know this!
Lastly: As you drift off to sleep, let your sexy imagination out of its cage. You may not think of the kids, or your work, or your worries. Think of sexy love and sexy sex, and weird sex, and wild sex, and wonderful sex, and kinky sex, and perverted sex, and yeah, sick sex. Your sex is you, dark and light, up and down, left and right. No person or book or culture or anything has the right to cage you or your sex in your imagination. Your imagination is you, and your sex is you, and your spooning is you, and yeah baby, your forking is you. And when you share all of you with your girl or guy including everything from flood lights to laser beams, trustingly naked, intimately attached from head to toe, you share your sexy imagination too. And in sexy imagination anything goes. (I did not say to actually do everything you think is sexy or your neighbors might get mad at me).
In the morning…. Hee hee hee, is what we all hope for. Everyone loves to be spooned and forked with the lover that they love. Now if all doesn’t go well, then you have tonight and the rest of your relationship to keep practicing. See you tonight honey! See you in the morning baby. Hee hee hee.
And that is when mama wifey caught me in the greeting card section at the store. “Uh oh, I know that picaresque smile” she said. “What are you looking at lover boy?”
“Hey baby”, I said, holding up my cool new greeting card, “Do you want to spoon first or fork first?”
“You were supposed to get the milk, not be in the greeting cards again!. And no, we no spoony or forky here right now you goofy guy. Go and get the milk!”
When I troddled off castigated to get the milk I did notice a certain perky little glint in her eye. “Yeah!”, I thought, “I just can’t wait to say good night to the kids tonight!” I just really like greeting cards.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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