An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 19, January 19, 2012
***
I’m sitting here today looking out my window with the rest of mountain California, chanting “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!” Sounds like a Christmas song, but Christmas has already passed. We are all chanting because we haven’t had any snow! I actually long for seeing those pure white flakes to come pillowing down to give me that artificial feeling of cleanliness and purity. Oh! How pretty!
We all tend to like light, pretty things and not like dark and ugly things. We like light, pretty, clean angels, not ugly, dark, dirty angels. We like light, fluffy, yummy marshmallows, not dark, hard, nasty marshmallows. I suppose that is normal, and I am not much different, but I do feel real bad for the dark angels and nasty marshmallows.
We people are like angels and marshmallows. We can be light, pretty and clean people, and we can be dark, ugly, and dirty people. We can be light, fluffy and yummy people, and we can be dark, hard, and nasty people. Of course when we see the pure ones we say, “Oh, how pretty!” And when we see the impure ones we say, “Euw, how ugly!” Well, I feel bad for the impure “euw” people, and since we all can be both light and dark, that means I feel bad for all of us.
Every day I wake up I say good morning two times to myself. I say, “Good morning light, fluffy, Roe!”. And I say, “Good morning dark, hard Roe!” And I always get two answers back. “Good morning too sir” Says my light angel. And “Fuck off asshole!”, says my dark angel. (No, my dark angel is never a nice mannered person, especially to me). I literally have two people inside of me, and so do you. I have my light self and ego, and I have my dark self and ego. I have all the nice, pure things that have happened to me my whole life that are my light angel. And I also have all the awful, unfortunate things that have happened to me that are my dark angel.
Why do I call both my ego and alter ego angels? That is because I am a beautiful angel just like you, with both dark and light aspects. Everyone likes a prince, and everyone hates an asshole, but they are in fact the same guy, just two different sides. We say yin and yang make a whole, one part dark and one part light. We don’t say that yin is whole, but yang is euw, and abandon and deny half the circle. Why do I say that my angels are related to what happened to me? Well, the more ideal and pure my life, the more prominent my prince, and the more horrific and sad, the more prominent the asshole.
So we don’t mind when princess stands on our left shoulder in her white dress, but how did the bitch in the black dress on our right shoulder get there? No problem with Mr. Samaritan shining his happy smile to us on our left shoulder, but how did the little evil bastard snarling at us on our right shoulder get there? There are many, many people who have had horrid lives, but live princely, but only they know the size of the demons privately suffered, consciously or unconsciously. And there are many, many people who have had averagely difficult childhoods and lives, but manifest darkness for all to see. Every snowflake is different.
The answer that we are all fed, from history to philosophy, and religion to culture is, “human nature”. And we are taught that the good and bad or pure and impure of our two opposite angels is “normal”, and “natural”. Well if normal means “the norm”, and natural means, “occurring in nature”, then I’m forced to agree. Divided and internally conflicted and suffering people are the norm, and we are all occurring in nature. But outside of being forced to agree with dictionary definitions, I know that we have all been tortured and lied to, and then sold a religious or pop culture book to convince us of how normal and natural it is to be divided and in conflict. My heart says someone or something is trying to trick me.
Love is absolutely perfect and pure, and Love holds no judgment. Nature is absolutely perfect and pure, and Nature holds no judgment. In nature, light and dark and good and bad and sweet and salty have equal power and acceptance. In Love, light and dark and good and bad are still just sweet and salty Love. When we were conceived we were absolutely perfect and absolutely pure, and we still are. “IF” it were possible to have a pure and perfect gestation in the womb, and pure and perfect birth and childhood, and pure and perfect life in every possible way, none of us would have dark angels or hard yucky marshmallows.
The notion of “sin” is hogwash. And I mean no disrespect to the hogs. And the idea of “original sin” a bucket of hogwash, and the very sad brainwashing of all the innocent victims called Us. Love has no sin and if it did it would still be Love. Nature has no sin or it would just be nature. If you want to believe that you are originally and currently sinful, you may do that. But I know that you are Love, and I say that you are Nature. And I say that you and I have a lot of pain from a lifetime of trauma and deprivations that we did not bring with us, and I say that we are sadfully and ragefully standing on our own shoulders as dark angels proudly and deservedly mean and hard and yucky after a lifetime of victimization. And our dark angels will not be ignored or repressed until we are recognized and brought home as equal and important parts of ourselves. My and your heart knows the truth.
The little evil bastard me on my shoulder that tells me to fuck off every morning when I say good morning, remembers every little transgression that happened to me, from tiny little disappointments to daily sadistic cruelties that I suffered as a baby and child. He is me. He is my victim fetus, my victim baby, my victim child, and my victim self. He eats dark, hard, yucky marshmallows for pure sport just as a reminder of the sadness and rage of far too many fresh, but hidden outrages and sadnesses still held in my heart and mind as memories.
What happened to me at the hand of my parents and society and culture and world is not supposed to be normal or natural. It’s time that we victims re-write our “books” and lives and world. If I feel bad about my dark angel, then I feel bad about myself. If I feel embarrassed or shameful or fearful of my dark angel then I feel embarrassed and shameful and fearful of myself. If I deny my dark angel I deny myself. If I run from or hide from or excommunicate or blame or regret my dark angel, then I run from myself, I hide from myself, I excommunicate myself, I blame myself, and I regret myself. But I can’t do that because I love myself. But you can’t do that because you love yourself.
The truth is I am a real nice guy doing the best I can, and you are a really nice person doing the best you can. We have had a real hard time even before our births, and we have died a thousand childhood deaths during our births and the too many regretful days after that no one wants to remember. Our lives and world are really fucked up. The beauty of knowing this is that our hearts know that it was not our fault, we were innocent children and no one would blame an innocent child. No innocent child was ever sinful or bad. The only thing an innocent child ever was is a victim, and the poor angel simply gets hurt and angry and acts bad. We need to question and rebel against anyone or anything ever diminishing our beauty and perfection. We cannot be anything but pure, even if our acts are impure.
You and I are led to believe that bad boys are bad and ugly and should be suppressed or hidden or punished should he show his ugly muscles, and bad girls are bad and dirty and should be suppressed or hidden or punished, should she show her ugly body. And if in doubt, we are taught that it is just human nature and our innate original defect. We are led to believe that by valuing our light fluffy yummy snowflake sides that we and the world can be good, and if we indulge our dark, hard, yucky marshmallow selves, that the world will be bad. And we are fed that it is our dark side and our fault, and if in doubt return to the idea that even if it is not our fault, we are originally faulty. I would love to say it again, but no sense here inflaming the innocent hogs. Our history books and lives are filled with the inherent fault in not loving our entire selves and world.
We are victims that are being victimized for having been victims, and we victimize ourselves for having been victimized as innocent victims. For the love of snowflakes and marshmallows, both dark and light, even the hogs are begging us to question this paradigm. We just wanted to be loved and happy when we were children, and we did the best we could, and we still hope to be loved and happy as adults, and we are still doing the best we can. My dark little boy angel has already suffered a lot. If he is asshole, monger, rogue, prick, bastard, criminal and killer, I did not make him that way. He stands on my shoulder and cries an incessant angry rebellion and suffers greatly for it, but he will never give up. All he wants is to come home to the wholeness of me. He is no less in value and importance than my light angel side, and in fact deserves more attention and love and effort than my Mr. Good. My little devil is just very hurt, and very mad. And what do you do when a child is angry? My heart says pick him up and hug him. Love him. My world says blame him so he blames himself and punish him so he punishes himself. My world is killing people who have killed, to prove you shouldn’t kill, when the killer, and the killed, and us who kill the killer, have already been killed. This is not normal or human nature. This is sad.
My evil little bastard needs to be seen and recognized and assured that it was not his fault, that he matters too, that he will be paid very strong attention to. No man has ever been an asshole, or misogynist monger, and never a prick or mean bastard. But every man ACTS like all the above every day, consciously if not unconsciously. No woman has ever been a bitch or slut or whore or witch in history. But every woman ACTS like all the above every day, consciously if not unconsciously. And we damn well should feel the rebellion and outrageous protest of what we have all been through. WE are not faulty, never were, never will be. We continue to ACT faulty all too often, and we judge and punish and reject ourselves as bad, instead of our acts as simply mad. We should all be proud of our strength.
I want to start over! I just like watching the pure white snowflakes fall with ALL of me present.
“Good morning light fluffy Roe!” I say to my light angel on my left shoulder. And I always get the same reply. “Good morning kind sir, how may I help you.”
Then I turn to my right shoulder: “Good morning dark, hard, Roe!” and I always get the same reply: “Fuck off asshole!”
“So you two”, I say. “How about we sit together and watch the beautiful pure white snow fall!”
“Yey!” says angel boy Roe. Can we go make snow angels together to show our goodness!” He is happy, and so I give him a nice smile.
“This is bullshit”, says evil boy Roe. “How about we go do donuts on our neighbor's front lawn with our noisy 4x4’s, and when the neighbors complain we’ll chop down their stupid tree with all the lights, and when the cops come we’ll throw snowballs at 'em, and…..” He is really mad, and I give him a nice smile too, but even bigger, for he is the one who really needs me.
“Wow!” I say. “'You're full of piss and vinegar today you little evil boy Roe! It looks like it’s time to pay some attention to you today. How about a big hug, AND we go take the big noisy 4X4 out away from the neighbors and have some real being bad in the snow!”
I know better than to dishonor myself and so do all of us. I know better than to dishonor my pain and suffering and need to be seen and heard. I know that I am not bad. I also know that I can fix being mad. I really love all of my self, and I’m really, really angry that I was hurt and made to feel responsible for it. I know that you are too.
See you tomorrow bad boys and girls. (And welcome home).
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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