An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 61, March 1, 2012
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I don’t want to sound or be judgmental, but I am judgmental. You don’t want to sound or be judgmental, but you are judgmental. The question is whether we can be honest with each other. Judgment is an inherent and unavoidable mechanism of the mind, critical for survival. That was a poison fruit, I knew it and ate it anyway, now I’m dead. I had good judgment in picking out the poison fruit, and good judgment in eating it since I had decided on suicide. You may disagree whether I in fact had good judgment to kill myself, but I don’t care. I am dead, and your judgment is your judgment and not my judgment. Gee, what a pretty red glowing color that liquid rock has, I think I’ll bend down and pick up a handful to drink. Now I’m in the newspaper as a dead fool for drinking molten lava. You may think that I had poor judgment, but I don’t care, because I’m dead. My judgment is my judgment and I don’t care what your judgment is.
Now if I survive my awesome or not so good use of judgment I may just have to care. Are you deciding with your judgment whether I had good judgment? Or are you using your natural and unavoidable judgmental-ness to judge me? “That man Roe had good judgment in my opinion to notice that the fruit he ate was poisonous, but though his decision may have felt right for him to eat it, I feel that he used poor judgment to eat it since in my opinion suicide is illness and that is tragic”. Ok, that sounds politically correct and ethically neutral, but epically fake. “What a tragic, dumb ass coward Roe is to know the fruit would kill him, yet still eat it and die”. Now that sounds more like the you and me inside our heads. “Honey, did you read about the idiot that drank the molten lava because it was so pretty? Yeah, the fucking moron died!” If I died accidentally of drinking molten lava I would definitely judge myself as a fucking moron. “Honey, I have figured out that drinking molten lava is hazardous to your health based on this article in the newspaper of that guy that died from it”. “Yes dear, that is good use of judgment, I too have drawn that same conclusion”. Once again, proper use of judgment without judging the person, yet comically fake, and of course impossible.
So you and I are the judges? Yup. Do we have the right to be judgmental? Well we can’t help it even if we wanted to, so yes. Do we have the right to pass judgment upon another based on the results of our judgment? Of course, and again, we can’t help it. Whether you tell me and I tell you, or we even tell ourselves the truth, that is a different story. Is it fair or just or moral or ethical to pass judgment upon another based upon our use of judgment? Our hearts say of course not, yet it is also absolutely critical for our survival. So how do we get from our use of judgment to judging another? If we are a radical, right wing fundamentalist, and the Gay Rights president shows up on our door step to hug us, how do we use our judgment and then pass the results of our judgment into judging? Now I am a black freedom fighter and Dr. King shows up on my door step, how have I changed in my judgment and judging?
Let’s call our faculty of judgment the energy, like the light of the light bulb that turns on in a movie projector. Our histories and everything that has happened to us is the lens of the camera. We as selves are a prism and our ability to judge shines through us. The movie screen is the people around us, we use our natural faculty of judgment to refract through our histories, and it lands on others for all to see. The ability to use judgment is a standard, and it works exactly the same in all people, a light bulb is a light bulb, and light is light, and the heart is heart. The lens is infinite, and the result on the screen depends entirely on which lens, which prism, and what created it and how. A white boy is born and raised in a village in Africa non Christian and equal to all his black friends. His baby twin brother went back to America. The white African brother shows up in rural Mississippi in the 1960’s and meets his grown up Christian twin brother who has “nigger” servants. They sit down together and read a newspaper report of the civil rights movement. They will use the same faculties of judgment, yet they have two very different experiences, and their passing of judgment will be very different. Two different lenses.
So our judgment has more to do about us and our histories than anyone else. Each time we judge we are surviving, and naturally doing something that we cannot avoid. When we use judgment and then judge we are revealing our own lens, or own prism, and our own histories. If during our use of judgment we arrive at neutrality, we reflect the neutrality of our history, if we arrive at compassion we reflect our own compassion. When we use our faculty of judgment and arrive at ridicule, or denigration, or subjugation, or hatred, we reflect our own ridicule, our own denigration, our own subjugation, and our own hatred. “That guy is a dumb ass coward, and that must mean that I am reflecting my own dumb ass cowardice”. “What a fucking moron I am to feel that another is a fucking moron”.
Our hearts know the truth. We can walk and talk and live verbal and actual tree hugging and the Om of Life to all, but we are no less violent and devastating to our world if our hearts are not pure or heard. This morning I read a long, vehement, right wing Christian judgmental and judging diatribe on homosexuals. It is amazing how much the author told me about his own homosexuality, his own insecurity, and his own pain. The article caused me to shake my head and roll my eyes. And that caused me to freeze, and then laugh at myself. I went and found a mirror and I watched myself shaking my head and rolling my eyes at the poor Christian homosexual judger as I was judging the homosexual judger. I then judged myself for judging the homosexual judger judging the homosexuals. What does that tell me about myself? It tells me that I look like a fucking moron making faces at myself in the mirror. I judge that to be funny.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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