An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 63, March 3, 2012
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Everyone appreciates honesty, and yet honesty can be hard to bare. If we were truly sure that our honesty to others would cause no negative results, we would all have an easier time being honest. We all use our lack of honesty as a defense, and as a weapon. We are sure that we must do that since all other people are using their lack of honesty as a defense, and as a weapon. The irony is that all humans can intuit all truth in all humans all the time, somewhere deep in our hearts and psyches. No matter what we believe about ourselves or believe about others, we know the truth deep inside, but out of need to survive we block the truth from ourselves.
When we lack emotional and psychological health as a result of the abuse and deprivations of our childhoods, we must block the truth of our tragic histories from ourselves. When we do this, the lens through which we perceive and intuit becomes clouded or even completely opaque, and we then navigate metaphorically without a compass. Our intuitive hearts are meant to guide us through our world, and are in fact omniscient, and connected to all other omniscient hearts. When we grow up abused, and in one way or another we all grow up abused, and when we grow up deprived, and in one way or another we all grow up deprived, we lose clear sight of our omniscient, intuitive hearts.
In order to be truly honest with others, I must be truly honest with myself. In order to be truly honest with myself I need to regain full and true clarity with my omniscient heart. In order to have true clarity with my omniscient heart, I need to be completely free from emotional and psychological trauma and deprivation. I may consciously feel that I am true and honest to and about myself, and even true and honest to other people, but when probably 98% of my omniscient heart is clouded or forgotten, I can only be as honest as the blocks that are hiding the truths of my heart. This also goes for the people with whom I interact, and so it seems like a case of the blind not being truly honest with the blind, who are not being truly honest.
If I were totally transparently honest with you all the time, I would actually be totally transparently revealing to you state of emotional and psychological health, all the time. From a defensive standpoint this is risky. If I elicit total transparent honesty in everyone all the time, then I would experience from others their same state of emotional and psychological health all the time. This would be defensively threatening to others, and to myself. I could really get hurt, and I could really hurt others. Instead, I dole out whatever honesty to others that I feel is appropriate or safe, based on the level of honesty that I am in fact aware of in myself, and others are doing the same to me. It seems as though we are all playing Honesty Chess, the most mysterious and ambiguous human board game there is. The irony is that we all have board game X-ray vision, and our hearts are hiding in there watching all the lack of honesty going back and forth, move by move, and we are barely aware of it. We all think we are so clever and careful, yet we can all see each other secretly being clever and careful, yet carefully and secretly.
I use my honesty or lack of it as a defensive tool to navigate my world, as if truth and information are power, and this tactic works in place of my omniscient heart. My honesty or lack of it keeps me safe, and also is useful to get me things and people. I use my honesty and lack of honesty as tools of information and power, and others are doing the same to and with me, all of us are navigating our lack of an omniscient heart with our board tactics. We all know and feel the truths in our hearts, for our hearts continue to function perfectly even though we are blocked from seeing or feeling our own truths. If I still had perfect and clear sight and use of my omniscient heart I would not need to play Honesty Chess, for with perfect and clear use of my heart I would not be hiding and protecting my emotional and psychological traumas and deprivations. With pure sight and use of my heart I would intuit clearly and well in advance the intents and motives and uses of honesty and dishonesty in other people, and this is the most formidable defense of all.
Everyone appreciates honesty, yet honesty can be so hard to bear. I often hear the line, “honey, do you think I am fat?”, parodied in movies. “Yes I do, and I don’t find middle aged fat women attractive, and I have told you that for years, but you don’t care enough about yourself or me or our relationship to stop eating or exercise.” That doesn’t go over very well, though it is dead honest. “Well I can’t stand when you touch me anymore, and since you loathe fat women it helps to prevent sex with you”. Neither does that. And of course we know a million others honesties that are not a good idea. The deeper truths are in he who hasn’t matured sexually with his own age, being still attracted to Barbie, and her who punishes herself and him for not still being Barbie, and a myriad of other deeper self truths that precede their interchange.
If our being dead honest had no negative repercussions at all, and if we had nothing to gain or lose from our dead honesty, perhaps we would not feel the risk to be transparent to others. As far as transparency to ourselves, we must first wash the lens that is clouded or opaqued so that we can see our true hearts, and then our true hearts can see others. To do this we need to face the sorrow and grief and rage of our childhood traumas and deprivations, and in our grieving we begin to feel true again to ourselves. A self that is true shares itself truly with others, for lack of honesty is not a trait of an omniscient heart.
I honestly know and can say that it is taking longer and is harder to return to my true heart than it took to end up with a foggy lens. It hurts a lot to be hurting, and it hurts a lot to be anything but truly honest with myself and others. It hurts a lot that others are not truly honest with me, and while I protect myself from others, I know that they are protecting themselves from me. That hurts too. It seems like lack of honesty and hurt go hand in hand.
I long for a day when true transparent honesty from true omniscient hearts also go hand in hand. Let’s all hope that we have a few million years to work on that one as a species.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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