An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 37 February 6, 2012
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I may be a funny boy, but I still clearly remember when I was a virgin. I remember watching all the boys and girls in my school enter into their true adulthood, and I felt so sad for them, since I never heard a beautiful or priceless, romantic description of the first love making. I prize sexual love very highly, and I always have. All my life I have heard stories from men and women of when and where and how they lost their virginity. Even if they and their audiences got off on their lurid stories of which back seat, or which drunken lust-fest, when I looked into their eyes I clearly sensed sadness. We humans are clearly animals on the very top of Nature’s food chain, and we have inherited many hundreds of millions of years of mating response. We are in fact still predominantly mating response machines. I clearly remember when my precious romantic ideas of my first love making began to conflict with my young man’s raging hormones. It was like being in a vice between an idea of love, and almost violently fired genitals.
For most of our evolution as procreative creatures, probably all but the last million years or so, we have always been strongly rewarded for violently fired genitals. Even today when Mother Nature gets a baby, she wins, and she doesn’t care if it is a result of the drunk-fest in the back seat or not. She doesn’t care if it is a rape or not. But Mother Nature is a tricky lady. For the last million years or so we humans are able to be aware of the Love that flows through our veins and genitals, and we can gaze into the eyes of another as we sexually climax. For the last million years or so our sexuality and how we exchange it has been an integral part of our actual selfhood. When we humans make love, or make fuck, or make rape, we express our selves to and with the other human or humans with whom we are sexually acting.
When I was a young man and began struggling with producing 5 billion sperm every 6 hours, I also felt deeply that how I expressed my sperm represented how I felt about myself and the female with whom I coupled. I was soundly and repeated ridiculed for denying and running away from the booze and drug parties I was invited to in southern California in the late 1970’s. I self elected myself as the designated driver for our state champion gymnastics team before the term designated driver existed, and I would leave the party van in a secluded spot as countless high school friends “did it” in a rebellious stupor in the back of the team van. I clearly remember the looks on the girls and boys faces as their self worth and self identity had just been degraded with each other, and often with many others. I clearly felt the conflict between Mother Nature who welcomes any life no matter how, and the loving hearts of hopeful young people struggling for worth and dignity, also invented by Mother Nature. I feel that this is the life we live and lead in a nutshell, self hope and self worth, versus the degradation of life and nature all around us, and our virginity is our most powerful and meaningful symbol.
Every heart of every person desires to embrace another human being in the exchange of love. Everyone wants to be in love and reciprocate love with another. Every person should take their time to appreciate the ecstasy of the first love making. When we feel and express love with another during our first love making, we value and validate our self worth. When we climax together with another eye to eye, we dignify and exemplify each other as objects and spirits of mutually exchanged reverence to each other and all life. When we engage in the physical act of sex with another, even long after the loss of virginity, we fall short of our potential as conscious spirits. When we fall short of our potential for love as virgins, we lose face in front of ourselves and our lover and all life. When we make love without feeling love or giving and exchanging love as virgins, we denigrate ourselves and our mates, and it shows in our eyes and theirs, for the rest of our lives. I have seen this look of self loathing, of self degradation, and of self loss in the eyes of people young and old, my whole life.
Sexual acting out as a youth coming of age is Mother Nature demanding insemination, and the pull is 10 times stronger than any other drive that we humans experience. Sexual acting out as a youth is an act of rebellion against Mom and Dad, and a peer and societal demonstrative trophy in front of our culture and society. The combination of these two is virtually inescapable, and we end up going down in some place and time we forever regret just like our caveman ancestors and our very own mom and dad did. Our self worth and our hope for valuing others is the price of surrendering to pressure from nature, and pressure from our own rebellious and defiant cock-pussy-ness. But how beautiful it is that Mother nature knows her error in the loins of humans, and we carry the shame and guilt and loss with us forever. Our conscience survives our genital acts, and we benefit from the self flagellation of the back seat, and then hold it against ourselves and others forever.
Our first time at making love is with a person with whom we are enamored. We feel insane with lust, yet we are so shy to exchange our genitals for the first time. We spend weeks and months perfecting our touching and kissing, and we take our time to appreciate each other’s naked beauty. By the time we agree to plan our first genital penetration exchange we are experts at restraint, professionals at looking into each other’s eyes, and sweetly and lovingly certified ready to give and receive love. We plan the event for a memorable time and place that is private and safe, and we decorate the place with our tributes to each other. We are sober and so, so nervous. We put on our favorite music and dance and fondle and party as we have grown safe together doing. And when the time comes we take a deep breath, look into each other’s eyes, and fall into each other with lustful and joyously proud abandon. We look into each other’s eyes as we make love the first time, as we exchange the feeling of each other’s insides, the inside of our hearts, the insides of our minds, and the insides of our bodies. This is the best that Mother Nature has ever been able to accomplish, and we make her proud. We make love without a barrier between our genitals, and she welcomes his seed inside of her, no less proudly than he gives it to her. Ideally the two first time lovers climax together, but he, the young lover, knows how crucial it is to her to climax too, should he achieve orgasm first. He stays with her, giving her pleasure until she feels for the first time the definition of adult lover. He and she stay together and exchange any and all manner of consensual love making, and finally drift off to sleep in each other’s arms to the sound of “thank you, I love you”. Consensual is more than two people in consent, it is two people in con-sensuality.
If this was not how our first time at making love went, we have repair to do, to ourselves, and for our own children who are headed towards adulthood. We all mean well and mean to love well. Nature and rebellion are powerful forces to stray us from the love we hope to cherish for ourselves and others. I am in fact a funny boy. I can still remember when I was a virgin and how I was ridiculed and scoffed at by so many for so long. I also remember what a prize I was in the face of the others who had long lost a key and significant piece of their self worth. I remember spending 6 months from my first kiss to my first love making, and how we practiced leading up to this moment every day. I am still ridiculed, but only by those with the sadness of self loss in their eyes.
No one should lose their virginity, for you cannot lose something that you can never again re-find. Virginity is a gift of love shared with another only one time. And a loving gift once given need not ever be taken back. I wish to all that you too are a prize to yourself, and if you do not feel proud of how your prize was shared, that you learn to make peace with yourself, and then share that transparent loss and peace with your children coming of age. This is the greatest gift that you and Mother Nature could ever give them.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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