An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 59, February 28, 2012
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I would like to be enlightened some day. From my perspective all I have to do is die to become enlightened. Since this is my truth, I would now like to become as enlightened as a living soul as I possibly can before I die, and then when I die I’ll finish up the last bit. If I become fully enlightened I’m sure I’ll be dead, and I’m not ready to die yet. I would really like to prolong my living as long as I can, so I would like to stop just short of the whole banana.
My heart tells me that we are not here on Earth as living souls to become enlightened. My intuition is that Earth is a classroom where we souls come to de-enlighten ourselves, right back to the spot where we made it to the last time we were in soul class. Then, when we are back, we get to try and make soul-spiritual progress towards enlightenment, and if we ever get it just right, I mean perfect, “poof”, we are back home at one with the celestial bliss of Home.
When we are just ideas of our soul selves out there in One-Om-God land, we are absolutely blissfully and ecstatically One and Om and God. We are not With, And, or About One-Om-God, we are IT. We ARE enlightenment, and all of US soul ideas are One-ness with US. When we choose to de-enlighten and return to the un-One and un-OM and un-God Earthliness of Life, we are in effect in soul school. I would imagine that there are a lot of schools out there in the universe, and I wonder if Earth is one of those ivy league private high falutin schools, or if we are just some ratty inner solar system underfunded type of soul school?
Now that we are here, we are supposed to Live. Grace and farts, style and perversion, wonder bra and holy shit, this place is about Living. A lot of us do a good job at good, and a lot of us do a good job at bad, but most of us get to be wishy-washy on both sides of good and bad. Our Earth classroom is about all the awesome and putrid wishy-washy on both sides of good and bad, because out there as ONE, there ain’t no wishy awesome or washy putrid or good or bad. As God, all there is, is the IS-ness of IS. As a soul-earthling I want to know what is so bad about Loving and Hating and getting all bungled up for a lifetime in between? If life was so grand out there in the never-never land of perfection, what in fragrant disgusting carnation are we doing here?
So when we die, “poof!”, we are back home to ecstatic oneness with all. And sitting right there having tea with us recently departed, and laughing and crying arm in arm with us as soul-same-equals, is Mother Theresa and Hitler, John Lennon and Genghis Khan, all giddy for the ride to and from Home. “Now that was a ride wasn’t it! So what did you learn?” In One-OM-God land there is no good or bad, right or wrong, judgment or expectation, for true enlightenment left that far, far behind. True Love is true and total equal and unquestioning forgiveness and acceptance.
So how do you get to enlightenment? Bang! You’re dead. Yeah, that is one way back home, but shortcuts don’t accomplish much. The more you cheat the more you end up being held back in school and repeating grades. Besides, won’t you miss that favorite cherry on that chocolate sundae? Or all the sweaty, screaming, and joyous sex? How about skinny dipping at night in dark oceans and chanting the Jaws theme? Maybe the sight and sound of your baby’s laugh are well worth sticking around this crazy place for? Maybe distraught an agonizing destitution as Life is still infinitely better than un Life? I hope you’ll stick around awhile longer to find out.
There are many, many roads to the Oz-God we were back home, and it doesn’t necessarily imply that the road is paved with yellow bricks. The road in fact has plenty of shit that sticks to your shoes along the way. One thing is certain though about enlightenment, and that is that it implies wholeness, and unification of and with self, prior to and as a necessary part of the dissolution of self. Striving towards enlightenment on Earth is about regaining that which we already had as a spirit soul, but on Earth as a living, sentient, and breathing, omniscient soul (theoretically).
Practicing Om-God-One-ness in the moment, in full presence and awareness in the moment, without the reunification of true and whole self, both conscious and unconscious, is spiritual sidestepping. Spiritual sidestepping is definitely a road towards Oz, or the idea of the illusion of Oz if you are sidestepping. But without the full revelation of the entire unconscious self into consciousness, spiritual sidestepping spiritually sidesteps the spirituality of enlightenment. My heart tells me that the full and complete revelation of the unconscious mind into consciousness is full ecstatic presence in the moment of self, and the closest we can ever become to enlightenment.
The ironic part about “believing” or “practicing” is the inherent flight away from what is “inside” of us to fuel our defense into “believing” or “practicing”. A very beautiful lady in my life brought to my attention a wonderful Danish proverb: “You cannot run from the wolf, for the wolf travels with you”. The idea is that the wolf is our lost and hurt and angry and sad and frightened and longing self. We are here to live as wolves, and we are here to live as fawns, and striving towards peace and happiness and enlightenment as a fawn at one with the moment, without the carnivorous rage and wounded sadness of the wolf, sidesteps us and sidesteps our spiritual journey. All of self requires all of self, and when we practice or believe anything we cannot remember most of our self, and so we are believing and practicing blindly.
Me, I’m off to see the wizard just like you, which is all of US back together again when we all die. I don’t like to believe in made up ideas from other people, while everyone is my teacher. That is a conundrum. There has never been an enlightened soul on Earth and there never will be, yet everyone is a sage. That is another conundrum. If there is ever an enlightened one, he or she will go “poof”, and we’ll never know it. Such is the humility and grace of pure Love. I’m here to live, and like you, I’m doing my best. I’m actually proud to say that the end of kindergarten is in sight, and I can’t wait to behold what first grade has in store for me. I am now aware that I am here as a living soul to turn around and face my own wolf, feel my own wolf, make peace with my wolf, and bring my entire wolf conscious. That is a major feat indeed, for most of my self remains in guarded repression for my own survival, deep in my unconscious. No enlightenment can ever be attempted or accomplished without facing all of ourselves, especially our repressed and painful wolf selves.
I am here to Live and Love, but I am here to find out, “What happened to me as a fetus and newborn and infant and child to cause the vast majority of me to be repressed in my unconscious?” Meditation has no more value and place in any journey than heroine needles, believing in vengeance and living and causing pain has no less place and value than living Love or loving any believed God. Heaven and hell are here on Earth, and they both reside within our own psyches, the exact design of our classroom. I am so impressed by mystic-sage-guru-born-again-believer-on-some-path-out-there types, and I only hope for their courage and devotion to some kind of road. But I am tired of seeing repressed rage and sorrow in my own eyes, and especially not surprised at seeing so much repressed pain in the eyes of followers and believers out there. I feel that our own inner raging and grieving wolves hold the key to our enlightenment if we can only suffer and process them coming conscious. Being enlightened on Earth just means being completely whole again, and you can’t strive for wholeness by running from your own wolf.
And of course I already said that I long for 99.9% of the wolf and fawn together, almost all of the whole banana of enlightenment. When I get the last 1/10th of 1% in a thousand more lifetimes of walking the yellow brick road with shit on my shoes in this classroom called Earth, I will feel the most ecstatic “poof” in the universe, just like you will.
In the meantime it’s chocolate sundaes and screaming sex, and lots of tears facing my own wolf. Maybe it’s more fun to take this enlightenment thing very slowly, for just Living is pretty enlightening.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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