An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 39 February 8, 2012
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When I was conceived, God or Goddess, or Darwin, or Darwiness, whoever is responsible for me, gave me a dollar. When you were conceived you may have gotten a Deutschmark or Lira or Yen, but as a yank, I got a dollar. I was told that every bit of me had to fit into this dollar, and the better I did in life, the more spare change I would have left. I was told that I had to live out stages of me-ness, from babyhood to toddler to child, right on up to prophet or sage. I was told that if I lived out my natural stages to their natural end, then I would have more of my self dollar available to me. Newborns have a whole dollar with a few pennies to give to others, and are mostly just sending out bills of me-ness need. Prophets in theory have 100 cents of self-hood to give to others after having achieved selfless-ness.
When I was born, my Mommy and Daddy gave me an empty cup. They hadn’t confused me yet with the cup half full or half empty yet. They just told me that as I grew up through the natural stages of childhood and adulthood completely, that my cup would be full. My parents evidently thought that telling and talking and showing me everything about life would help me to have that spare change left, and help me to have a full cup when I grew up. The irony I thought as I grew up was how little spare change my parents had in their self-hood, and how little they actually gave of self to others. The irony I thought as I was growing up was how little my parents had in their cups, and how often and how me, me, me, me-ly they sought to fill their cups.
My parents were experts on me. They taught me how to be polite and obedient and good and kind and generous and fair and just and forgiving and compassionate and empathetic and lots of other things that they themselves were fakes at. My parents had very little maneuvering room with their dollars, very little spare change to think of or care for others, and their cups were neither half full or half empty. Their cups were just plain empty, and their acts of self and self hood and self-less-ness, were just behavioral acts of hiding their own lack of me-ness. I turned out just like my parents, who turned out just like their parents, who turned out just like their parents. My German ancestors had impeccable fake manners. The ate impeccably, and said hello impeccably, and were impeccably kind and properly behaved. They were even impeccably behaved when they cheered for Hitler and his hate machine with a million fellow impeccable German’s with empty cups, and not one schilling of a single Deutschmark to care for others, let alone the millions of people that they helped Germany to put to death.
Me-ness is very, very important. Everyone has a Me, and the more Me is naturally and Me-ness-ly lived out, the more Me everyone ends up with when they grow up. You cannot teach or expect or instill manners or kindness or compassion or empathy or love upon another. These things you just have to live yourself the best you can. And if you are a fake, your children see you and know you. The only way to manners is out of self choice after having had none, the only way to kindness is out of self choice out of having suffered and inflicted a lack of kindness. The only way to compassion is out of self choice after having suffered the lack of compassion and after having acted without compassion. The only way to empathy is out of self choice out of suffering the lack of empathy and living and acting without empathy. The only way to true selfless-ness is born out of living and suffering true raw selfishness. All the joyous gifts of the human condition have their roots in their opposites, and true-ness is born out of true-ness, and true-ness is born in me first. And eventually we grow up naturally to care about others outside and beyond “me”.
A true prophet or sage is an expert at me-ness-ness. He or she has been there and done that, and been there and done that, and been there and done that. A true prophet or sage has suffered like no other, and grieved like no other, and in the end, learned to live like no other. Every tree grows up as a selfish little me-ness-ness sapling. Every animal strives and fails and survives, over and over and over. Each time seemingly hanging on for the last time. We human animals have ascended to the top of the ranks of species not out of our ability to be fake users of stingy dollars or empty cups, but out of the ability to learn and grow out of each new challenge to our dollar and cup. And our ultimate challenge is to bask and joyously live out our me-ness-ness as Nature and the Gods and Darwins intended. At the end of each natural growing stage of me-ness-ness we earn one penny more, and one ounce more of self to put in our cup. And when we have more self, we can see and feel and understand the selves of others.
The next time we see a baby or child or teenager reviling in their desperately needed me-ness-ness, let us envy them for the time when me is the center of the world. Let us imagine a time when, after this stage is well earned and owned, that they use their spare change from there selves and their full cups of selves and refuse to stand in a crowd of millions of Americans (Germans) fueling the war on terror (Jews), and instead have some compassion and empathy for other very selfish and sad and suffering people, especially angry Muslim people. I have tried hard to be everything that my world lied to me about, and all I have succeeded in doing is also being a liar. I desperately need some quality time to be hurt and angry and sad and disappointed, and not care about anyone anywhere for any reason. I don’t remember ever being given a minute to do that. I deserve many, “so what’s”, and many more “I don’t cares”. Actually, a few, many well meaning and selfish, “fuck you’s” are appropriate to my me-ness-ness.
Perhaps it’s too late for us adults who have been indoctrinated into fake good and fake caring, but it’s not too late for our children. Let us please let them just be themselves, including in all it’s ugly me-ness-ness seen from our eyes. They see it and feel it as approval and respect and support and love of them to be themselves. And out of this they might just grow up to feel real things that are good for our world, things like calling us, their parents, the real terrorists for denying something that any sapling or small animal craves and enjoys: me-ness-ness. Out of their gratitude for us trusting them to grow up selfishly, naturally, perhaps we might even get invited to their rally to support loving and not hating. I welcome that day in my life.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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