Musings From The Heart
An Essay A Day For A Year
By Roe
Day 86 March 26, 2012
I Miss You
We live in an estranged world. Everywhere I go I meet people who are estranged from the ones they love, or loved. I often think, “oh you poor person, what happened that you would become estranged from the one you love?” That is until I hear the story of anger and pride and hurt that causes the person to be willingly and passionately estranged from the one they love. “Well that bleep, bleep, bleep did blah, blah, blah to me! I’ll forgive them and welcome them back into my life when they get down on their hands and knees and come crawling back and admit what they did and say they are sorry and, and, and, . . . . . . .” Now I think, “oh you poor person, how sad that your own ego and pride and immaturity would allow precious time to pass when you could be together with the one you love”.
Ok, you are hurt and I am hurt, and we all get hurt. And Ok, you miss who you love, you miss your mom, or you mom, miss your daughter. You mister, miss your gal so much it hurts, but no more than your ego and pride hurts, or it would be you who would go crawling back on hands and knees, even as an innocent victim. Come on ever body, no matter what happened, no matter who did what to you or how or why, let’s pick up that phone right now and reach out in our humble martyrdom and make things all better. I’ll just wait right here.
Waiting.
Still waiting.
Yup, still here waiting.
So how did it go? Are you all happy again since you got to hear her voice again? Is everything better now since he is on his way over? Don’t tell me, you didn’t call did you? You just hid over there by the phone so I would think you did it right? Uh huh. Well, I have been in that situation, and all of us have, so don’t feel too guilty that you and your problems are greater than you and your solutions. Yes, I am saying that no matter how wronged you are, no matter how innocent, the ego and pride and hurt of your estrangement is your problem, not the one who is guilty or wronged you.
Our hearts are the homes of humble and accepting Love, no matter what happens. Our egos and prides and hurts are in our brains, high up above and long after our hearts. It is your heart that is longing and missing, and your heart that needs reconnection and reconciliation, but it is your brain with its system of justice and memory of ouches that overrides the needs of your child’s heart. So how can we heal our own problems so that we can overcome our estrangement? The main issue is that we don’t want to. We revel and gloat in our righteous indignation and need to hold a grudge. If feeling pain and indignation were measured as a sexual fetish we would orgasm every day, we revel so much in our need to maintain our estrangement. The first step towards seeing and touching and being with the ones we are mad at is to want to see and touch and be with the ones we are mad at, more than we want to get off on being mad at them. Once we decide that, then we can begin to heal our problem. If we are still saying “no, it is their problem”, “no, why me?, that is not fair, they are the one …”, then we are not ready, and we have not arrived at our humility and healing.
In order to heal ourselves and return to the humility of our hearts, we must first truly feel the pain of what happened. This need not be done in the presence or with the knowledge of the person who wronged us. We must feel our own pain and process our own pain, and integrate our own pain into our own self, and in doing so the buzz of the blame and grudge give way to humility and forgiveness and to the pride-less-ness of reconciliation. We all mistakenly believe that we have felt the pain of being wronged, but we clearly are hiding inside and directing the pain outwards into ego and pride and hurt as defensive mechanisms so that we don’t really hurt. In actuality we are dearly “suffering”, for feeling the pain is healing and not suffering. Suffering is being between a rock (what they did to us) and a hard place (our inability to feel the pain), and so we suffer. We need to pick a safe and private time and place, hopefully with a person with whom we feel safe, and we need to “lose it”, and “break down”, and we need to “fall apart”, we need to allow the anger and rage and sadness and sorrow and tears to come, and we need to finally grieve the event that happened. When we arise after a very deep cry and a period of true mourning, the event that happened to us returns to just an event, and the person who wronged us returns to just a person that we love and miss.
Estrangement from a loved one is a defensive mechanism where we blame others for our own problems. We shore ourselves up in righteousness and prideful indignation so that we don’t have to hurt or cry or feel bad, and in the process we trap ourselves in awful pain which actually distracts us from pain which is much deeper deep inside of us. The vast majority of our real deep pain is carefully repressed and not even conscious. We hold deep grudges against our own mothers and fathers that we cannot even remember since we imagine that the pain is just too much to bare like it was when we were children. Then later in our lives we find Patsies and Scape Goats that we place out hurt and judgment upon without realizing that even if they are triggers, they are in truth innocent of the real pain that we are feeling inside, caused by others, a long, long time ago.
If your dad or cheating husband or child or friend that wronged you and caused the estrangement got hit by a car right now and was clinging to life in some hospital in the outback of Australia, you would be on the next plane with tears in your eyes. Let’s save a step and skip the hospital part, and let’s just lie down and weep and mourn the terrible hurt that we feel, and hopefully follow it backwards to similar and bigger hurts that are really behind it all. Then we can show up at their house instead of the hospital with a smile on our face, and say, “hi, I missed you so much, and I can’t stand to be away from you anymore. Don’t worry about what happened, I have grieved it and am past it, and I just love you and want to be with you”.
I’ll just wait right here while we all do just that.
See you tomorrow.
youpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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