Day 137 - Cheat-Hers And Cheat-Hims - Part 2

            Musings From The Heart

An Essay A Day For A Year

By Roe

Day 137 May 16, 2012

Cheat-Hers And Cheat-Hims

Part 2

There are many psychological and emotional drives and aspects to cheaters and their victims, and to cheating and the perverse joy for all persons involved.  Beneath the need for sexual joy and sexual fulfillment is the need for the joy and fulfillment of the heart, and sex and sexuality are acts of expressing and sharing Love, both dark and light.  If sexual infidelity is devastatingly painful for couples, both for the perpetrator and the victim, the emotional entanglements of the heart begin where the pain of just fucking someone else leaves off.  The first question in the minds and hearts of all victims of infidelity is, “do you love her?” or, “do you love him?”   There is always a chance of repair and reconciliation and forgiveness with an answer of, “she meant nothing to me, it was just a lustful mistake”, and “I just succumbed to anger and weakness, he was just a fling”.  But if the man perpetrator were to answer, “yeah, she is a better lover or fucks better and more often than you, and is more fun, and I’m happier being with her because she’s not a bitch like you”, there is little hope for repair when the woman’s hurt pride and indignation protect her from her own outrage and wound, and when she feels defeated by the other woman.  If the woman perpetrator were to answer, “yeah, he is a better lover or fuck than you, and he is tougher or more sensitive than you, and I am happier with him because he is not a jerk like you”, there is little hope for repair when the man’s pride and anger protect him from his outrage and wound, and usurping by the other, better man.  The real pain and fear in infidelity is that the acting out against the victim by the perpetrator will turn to Love, and that the “lustful mistake” or “just a fling” will turn into the relationship that will challenge or even replace the one under assault.

Cheating goes far beyond the sexual, even if it is driven by the perversity of the sexual cheating fetish.  An integral part of Love is a deep belief in the honesty and integrity and trust of the people that we love.  When we love a person and when we open our hearts and selves to a person, we become vulnerable to offense and injury that we would normally protect ourselves from with untrustworthy people.  Cheaters devastate their partners as the foundation of Love, the trust in belief in a person, is eroded. The truth is, the true foundation of Love is not dependent on acts of rebellion or punishment, but the feeling of alliance and worth and value to the other person. What we really want to know from our cheaters when we are hurt is if we still matter enough to be their only loves, and if we can trust that.  We all have catastrophic, prototype betrayals and lies and abandonments from our own parents, daddy to daughter and mommy to son, which are so traumatic and toxic to us that we have buried it in our unconscious minds, and when we risk opening to another person in love, without memory of the original person that deeply scarred us, we open ourselves up to the repeat of the same in our relationships, both as cheaters and as victims.  When we are hurt in a relationship we feel devastated by the violation of self and trust, and we remain unaware that the true and original pain of loss of trust and self was caused by someone before our partners and a long, long time before.

Any person that begins a relationship with a person with whom they cheated knows in their heart that they and their new lover are cowards and hypocrites and liars and cheaters.  No new relationship born of and during cheating can ever approach the real and true loving beauty of a sound and trustful relationship.  Any new partner to a liar and a cheater is also a liar and a cheater. Cheaters that fall in love and commit to each other are fools that are foolish, and the best they will ever do is have a limited and foolish life and relationship with each other, always keeping one tentative and mistrusting eye open and watchful for the next round of foolishness.  If a man or woman in a relationship is sexually or emotionally unhappy or unfulfilled, they are bound by personal morality and the ethics of honor to make that clear, and if they have an interest in another person, sexually or amorously, they must announce it to their partner, and suffer the consequences of their partner’s reactions prior to infidelity.  Cheating is a primal, sexual, neurotic fetish that goes all the way back to womb and birth and early imprint trauma, and the mold is cast for a cheater long before a person comes of age sexually and conjugally.  Infidelity by the perpetrator is repressed rage and revenge played out upon the victim, and the victim is guilty of providing the motive and act of infidelity by their own repressed rage and revenge by not pleasing or heading their partner, and both parties get off in their respective roles, and for their respective reasons. 

The design of marriage and relationships is to persevere and grow through difficulties and differences, and true Love is a foundational evolution, and a process of successes through adversity.  Cheaters and cheater victims are both failures of Love, but if they can survive and persevere, perhaps true Love can return once the pain is grieved and healed.  If an impasse is reached where either or both parties are irreversibly unhappy or unfulfilled, either or both parties must end the relationship or take a hiatus of personal and even sexual freedom to search for the solution or permanent dissolution.  Cheaters are always deviously mean, and cowards, for they want their cake (their mates), and they want to eat it too (their lovers).  No cheater wants to risk finally sinking their unhappy boats unless they find a better, sexier, hotter, funner, nicer boat, despite the fact that they may never bring this conscious. The fact that a cheater comes home to the bed to lay with and have sex with their partners after cheating is the grossest violation of personhood possible, it is an outrageous affront to the victim.  The fact that a victim of cheating would not instantly know, that they would not immediately sense the smell and body language, and the nuances of revenge and guilt and shame in the cheater, that they would not obviously know and sense the delicious and malicious sexual fetish, proves the questionability of the love, and the lack of attention and devotion of the victim to the cheater, and hence the reason for the cheating to begin with.  Any healthy woman or man in a healthy, loving, attentive relationship will sense the desire to cheat in their partner long before it manifests, and of course instantly once it has happened.  Cheater and victim are two peas in a pod, they are Mutt and Jeff, they are Tit and Tat, they are both sick and they are both getting off on the act and obeying and serving their primal patterns.

The women and men who engage cheaters are transgressors of the deepest infamy of Love, for they enter into sexuality, the expression of dark and light Love, and potentially heart Love, as violators of the most basic tenet of Love, which is trust. Men and women who fuck cheaters and Love cheaters fuck themselves, for they are themselves cheaters, they are cheating Love and Life and Honor and Morality and basic human respect, and they will never recover from the stealing of Love no matter what they do.  Nature has many, many millions of years of the battle of the sexes and the battle for procreation, and the battle for mates, but human sexual Love and human heart Love inherently contains the beauty of honor, and trust, and dignity, and there can never be anything honorable or trustworthy or dignified about cheaters or cheating.

To be continued tomorrow in part 3.

See you tomorrow.

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