Day 125 - Are You A Goody Or A Baddy?

Musings From The Heart

An Essay A Day For A Year

By Roe

Day 125 May 4, 2012

Are You A Goody Or A Baddy?

Hi there reader.  How goes?  Are you a good person or a bad person?  Do you believe that there are good people and bad people?  Do you believe that you are one of the good people and that “other” person out there is one of the bad ones?  Do you believe that you that tries to go along with goodness of the heart and the mores and morality of society and religion are good, but that person over there that has a bad heart and who goes against everything and everybody and does bad things is bad? This all seems kinda sensical and understandable, but is it really?  Then there must be some real light and really good people and some real dark and really bad people?  Then there must be many shades of really gray people, like maybe 57.262 % good  on account of being barely on the good side, and of course the ones that are 51.005% bad, so just over the cut off mark, and definitely bad.  Where exactly do we decide to incarcerate the baddies and protect the goodies, at 51.6% bad, or 51.7%?  Surely the electric chair is for those baddies that have obviously crested 88.5%, and anything below that should just be poor treatment and maybe life in prison thrown in just for bad measure. 

Since a lot of people still believe in primitive, archaic, human based religion, and since those people believe that some male entity created us, and watches over us, and judges us, and decides if we deserve heaven or hell when we die, it will be interesting to examine exactly how “he” decides where to send us poor human souls after our life here on Earth.  Does he use scales?  “Sit over there on the left of the scale Ghandi-soul, let’s see how you weigh in goody or baddy during your life.  Wow, light as a feather, good boy Ghandi-soul, you will go straight to heaven, it is your favorite spicey curry and sweet chai and independence and peace for India forever and ever in heaven for you!  And you Hitler-soul, you sit over there on the right on that scale. Wow, you are heavy like howitzer shells, you broke my goody-baddy scale with your baddy evil, you will go straight to hell, and no schnitzel or fraulines at all for you, and world domination is never, never going to be fun for you again in hell!  My mean brother will take care of you!

Does “he” use a goody-baddy clicky meter, like a Geiger counter for radiation?  “Ok there serial murderer, sit right here”.  And the goddy-counter goes nuts with all the clicking as it is passed across murderer’s black heart, and the meter reads: SCARY BADDY!.  And off goes sicko to burn in hell forever, and pay for his sins against humanity. “Ok sweety pie”, a little girl who just died of cancer, “sit right here on Goddy’s lap!”  And just to be fair to all the goddy-counter is passed across her, and it is silent, with just a pretty blinking light that flashes: ANGEL – ANGEL – ANGEL.  “Ok honey, in heaven there is Mommy and Daddy waiting for you with ice cream and a whole cart full of brand new dollies!”

Supposedly “he” is omniscient, he knows all things all the time, so “he” is like Superman with X-ray vision, and he knows and knew all along that you are 50.000001% good, and off you go to heaven!  Wow, lucky you, you just barely made it!  Decimating the redwoods as a lifetime lumberjack cost you two points, and cheating on your wife was 10 whole baddy points, and lots of other secret naughties that almost brought you fire and brimstone, but it was those 1/10^th goody points that you got for helping old ladies across the street that saved you. Good thing you did that 10,000 times each month to catch up for all your shitties. How does “he” feel about sending Barbie to hell at 49.9999% good because she was so stubborn and refused to confess or regret or reach out to “him” for all her hottie promiscuities all her life?  After all, Barbie was very popular with the boys. Gee, tough choices for omniscients, and bad break for Barbie.

Come on everybody. This is 2012, not 10,000 b.c., or the age of warring Romans and Jews that spawn Christians.  We have incredibly advanced brains, we are very, very loving people, with the healthiest hearts in history. The 2 to 10,000 year old camp fire stories that have been manipulated to enslave you with fear and guilt are quickly and easily rejected by kindie-gartners, since of course kindie-gartners have not been corrupted with silly ideas of original sin and goody and baddy people, or the subjugation and denigration of Mommy and all women that pervades the ridiculous “bible”. 

You my friend are a NOUN, (a person, place or thing), and I believe a very good person in heart no matter who you are. You were conceived as perfect and good, and gestated perfect and good inside your beautiful Mommy, and born perfect and good.  As a noun you are a person, and any and all persons are perfect and good in Nature, and perfect and good in Love, and if you have to have “he” to keep your life glued together, you are perfect and good in your imagined God. No matter what you do, no matter how sick or wrong or hideous you may think you are, in heart as Nature’s beautiful creature and Love’s beautiful manifestation, and if you must, God’s perfect and good creation, you are a noun, and human noun in heart can never be anything but perfect and beautiful and Love. 

The amazing prophet of Love up there on the cross spoke Love to a handful of Jews , and within a few thousand years the world shifted on its axis. Wow. But the first time anyone wrote about this amazing person was more than 60 years after his death.  Go ahead and tell me all about your great grandpa and what you heard around the campfire last night, and all his miracles.  And don’t forget to mention that the big fish story was actually inspired by God himself so that we gullible ones will surely believe you. Some manipulative man first wrote that “he” was the son of God 300 years after he was merely a prophet of Love. I shudder to think what the campfire stories will say about “him” in another 300 years.

 What is clear in your heart and mine, is that no real prophet of real Love ever spoke of sin, or original sin, or good or bad in terms of heaven or hell.  These are notions of misuse of power, and misuse of Love, and misuse of ignorant people. Love does not have scales, and Love does not have goddy counters, Love does not measure or weigh or see through you, and Love is not power or hierarchy or male or judgment related in any way.  You know that in your heart, and you know that you are being lied to if anyone is trying to measure or value or administer or manipulate Love in any way. You are beautiful and good as a noun, now and forever, no matter what you do or think.  Hitler is always a metaphor for the most evil man in history, and yet Love knows that he is having loving sweet tea right now with the purest angel child in history.  Heaven and hell are fragile ideas of human hope and suffering, ideas of fragile humanity needing to control and power over its search for meaning and truth.

My actions are the VERBS of my life and yours, and verbs are action words.  Walk, talk, hug, hit, care, hurt, think, act, eat, shit, and die.  You and I can have “actions” that are really stupid, really wrong, really mean, really sick, really foolish, and really BAD.  You can “do” bad, you can “act” bad, but you cannot BE bad.  Be is you as a noun, and what you just did as an action verb is really, really sad and regretful and harmful, aka bad, but you as a person remain beautiful and pure in self and being in heart.  Yes there is a lot of darkness in the world.  Look up into the sky at night and behold 99.9% black, sad, and lonely space.  But look up into the sky on a dark night and you behold the bright twinkling stars of light, and though darkness is everywhere, one tiny star can illuminate ever corner of the universe.  As a matter of fact, when all is lost and gone, the one tiny candle left lit on Earth by the last one of us hopefuls can be seen in every corner of the universe. Never, never underestimate Love and light, and never, never underestimate YOU, for you are Love and light.

So I fucked up, so you blew it, so Hitler and the serial killer “did” very, very bad things.  That is all the more reason for us to Love you, and them, and bring them home to Love.  That is and was the message of Jesus and all prophets of Love, and your own heart contains the very same message as Jesus discovered in his own heart, through great pain and healing.  We are Love embodied, and we do not need external belief systems or power and manipulation systems to guide us, unless we do not trust our good hearts.  I trust your good heart, and I know that what you did was an action of being in pain, and the same happens to me.  My failures to honor the morality of truth and Love are results of my Nurture, what happened to me, who hurt me, how I was deprived, and how I try and fulfill my unmet needs, and when I am damaged I am in pain and tend to damage others and cause pain to others.  But I am not bad, and I cannot be bad ever, I can only “do” bad things because of all the bad things that were done to me.  I am a victim of my sad and difficult life, and I tend to make large mistakes and hurt other victims with sad and difficult lives.  Love would never punish a person who has already spent a life in terrible punishment, and if there is a God, then Hitler received the sweetest, longest, and most loving hug in history from him, or her, since the notion of a only a male god is completely ridiculous.  In truth Hitler was a baby in terms of supposed “evil”.  Go and read about the bishops and popes and priests of the church involved in the crusades and the inquisition if you want to learn about evil acts.

Any and all badness in acts can be healed with Love.  Good noun persons commit horrible verb acts, because they are in deep pain, and it is not their fault, and they are innocent, and they are victims, and the shit rolls downhill as we say.  I would like you to see Hitler at 5 years old, and introduce you to his disgusting Mommy and ogre Daddy, and hideous family, and hateful school teachers, and cruel policemen and twisted judges and evil governor and perverted neighbors in Germany during and after WWI, and I want you to watch how this prodigious prophet, the veritable twin of Jesus, was treated. And you will see and feel “horrific” with him, and watch a sweet Love genius turn to acts of sheer pain, and total rebellion, and sad, sad Love that is deeply hurt.  Let’s bring this little boy into our homes, and let us Love 5 year old Hitler with our kindness and our compassion, with our tolerance and our value and appreciation and approval and support of him. Let our good noun selves bathe him in good verb Love, and we will watch Love sprout and redeem, and watch this beautiful prodigious boy shift the world on a new axis, and even avoid the cross of martyrdom which Jesus did not manage to do.

Goodness “is”, and badness simply “happens”.  Since badness can be loved and healed and redeemed, badness always returns to goodness, since goodness still is.  That means that all is well everyone, and it means that our hearts are the good core of us, and our actions are the good and bad result of what happened to us. And this means that our hearts already know what to do, and better than any imagined god or prophet that lived 2000 years ago. Good and bad and heaven and hell are ideas of the mind that the heart does not really need.  No matter what we do we are Love and we are loved, we are good and we have the choice to do good or not, and this depends simply on the pain that is obscuring our perfect god-like hearts.  None of us needs forgiveness from any outside source, for we have our own conscience that guides us, and that is the universal existence of Love, which is only good. 

You are a good person, and considering all that has happened to you since your womb life, it is amazing how well you are doing.  You are one of those beautiful far off bright stars that amaze us as we look up into a bleak and black sky. You and I can act like real jerks, and act like real fools, and do real stupid and bad shit sometimes, even often times.  Its Ok, you know that something is wrong, and you know that you can fix it and all will be well again.  Me too.  The proof is that you are here with me, for I am trying so hard too.  I don’t need to say good luck to you, for you already know what to do.  Onward we go together.  All the gods, male and female, animal and inanimate, are smiling at us right now, for they have hugs waiting for us when we die, no matter what we do.  Our noun selves are good enough for Love, and our verb actions just need warm hugs.

See you tomorrow.

www.dear-roe-the-muse.com

yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com

Day 124 - Just Doing Our Best

Musings From The Heart

An Essay A Day For A Year

By Roe

Day 124 May 3, 2012

Just Doing Our Best

Hey, I’m just doing my best, and I know that you are too.  No one ever said that life here in Earth was easy, but then again no one ever said that life would be so hard at times. Life hurts, and I hurt, and many times, just like you, I wonder what this living is all about. Why are we here? What meaning is there in life that warrants so much sadness and suffering, besides the obvious of trying so hard to get to the happier and sweeter times. I would like to start a club of Life weary Earthians who gather affectionately together each month just to soothe each other, to say, “I know, and I’m so sorry. Me too. How about a hug?”  Why do we have to suffer so much going around the Monopoly board just to get to pass Go and be happy so seldom. Will you come to my club meetings?  I really hope to see you there. I really want you to know that you are not alone, and I really want you to feel that we are all here with you, all in the same boat.

In all my trials and tribulations of Life in my 49 years, in my extensive travels around the world, in my 20 years of conscious soul searching and self recovery and discovery, I have realized that I am a victim of SHIT that has happened to me that I did not ask for, I did not design it or expect it, and I surely did not want it or appreciate it or welcome it. I accept that Shit Happens, but I want to know why so much of it has to happen to you and to me. We are good people, we are loving people, and even if we have suffered dearly all our lives, we are trying so hard to have some semblance of happiness and merely an adequate, mediocre life. We deserve so much better than what is dished out to us.

I spend a lot of my time allowing myself to feel sad, and feel bad, to feel down, and to feel disappointed.  At least once or twice a week these feelings crest and crescendo into the most tragic and despairing tears that you may be able to imagine.  The sight of a 49 year old man whimpering and sobbing and wailing like an infant might be uncomfortable for you, and it has been for me too for so many years, but it is how I face this life of mine that has been so far from ideal. It is my birthright and my personal honor and privilege that is perfectly natural for all humans.  I know and accept that my heart has been deeply wounded, and I know that tears are medicine for the heart, and so by simple arithmetic I have spent two decades learning how to cry and grieve again, so that I may try and heal my heart. I say learn to cry and grieve again since crying and grieving is the most natural and basic acts and needs of every infant.  My poor heart needs as much medicine as it can get, and despite whether this beautiful normalcy of my crying is welcome or normal for you, if you were with me during one of my childlike crying and healing episodes, you would be in tears with me immediately. I know that you have a lot to cry about too, and I am sorry for you and for me, I know that your need and ability to cry and grieve was stolen away from you, and that you lost your ability to heal your own heart.  How tragic our lives are when the pain flows in, but it cannot flow out.

Today I am going to have a good day, this month things will turn around, this year will be my year of years. These are things I tell myself and things that we all have to tell ourselves, and after so many days and months and years, I am really so tired and so disappointed from hoping and needing so much, and I know that you are too.  I would have liked to have a wonderful and happy, carefree childhood, and I dearly dream and wish for a life of dreams that come true, of good luck and amazing times that I will be able to tell stories about in the future.  Unfortunately, SHIT is exactly that, and it goes around and comes around and gets on all of our shoes, even if in no real order or pattern. 

It is true that we make our own luck, and it is true that we get what we expect, and it is true that what goes around comes around.  Ok, we are all doing our best. But it is also true that it is unfair and tragic that we punish and mistreat victims that are already victims. We put people to death that put people to death, to show that you must not put people to death. We incarcerate poor victims that were incarcerated as poor children who grew up to incarcerate other poor victims, so that we are safe from people that are victims of incarceration and so that we do not feel incarcerated by people that were incarcerated, so we incarcerate ourselves and them in a system of incarceration.  Hello?  Is anyone out there that feels any semblance of HELP, I am in so much pain, and you are in so much pain, and pain is our life, and how can we love when pain rules?

Families of slain children gloat and revile as the guilty serial murderer is electrocuted, just like the serial murderer gloated and reviled in the dying soul of the their slain child. Judges righteously sentence druggies to life in prison, while their own repressed and servitude lives wane in unhappy obedience to the status quo, personified by the judges who is addicted to cigarettes and alcohol and prescription drugs. You put in the hours of work that your society and religion and family expect, more than any person’s fair share, while you are blamed for any and every transgression from the norm, when the norm could barely measure up to you and how hard you try and how much you care. I care so much and sacrifice so much for others, and yet I am held accountable for any deviance from perfection, since I hold the candle so high, despite the fact that it is so rare to even behold a soul in our world with their candle even barely lit.  Come on everybody.  Let’s join the club of hugging people that have it so hard, and let’s join the club of pulling off a miracle that the guy up there on the cross paid so high a price to discover. How about a little Love.

From now on any person who boo boos, who commits any crime, who messes up and blows it and screws up and makes a mistake or makes war or killing or rape pillage or plunder, or forgets to say thank you, is hereby sentenced to a safe place full of Love, full of back rubs and hugs and warm teas by the fire and especially making Love and Peace and Harmony.  Any person who is a victim of nature and nurture and anyone who is normal and human must be punished for their trying so hard to Love and be Loved by not being perfect, and these people must be punished with compassion and empathy and care and affection and loving. Of course I am a deviant rebel and a societal, alternative, counter-culturist revolutionary. I am purveying simple CHILL PEOPLE.  We have all had a hard time, and we all are trying so hard, and we all need Peace, and Love and Understanding, and it is more than just a cliché’ song.

I know I can do this, this living, and I am very sure that you can too.  I’ll see you at the club meeting, and I’ll save a hug for you.  I hope you’ll have one for me, because I sure could use one. Hang in there baby, the meaning is that you are here to mean something to us all.

See you tomorrow.

www.dear-roe-the-muse.com

yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com

Day 123 - The Two Faces Of Suicide

Musings From The Heart

An Essay A Day For A Year

By Roe

Day 123 May 2, 2012

The Two Faces Of Suicide

Anyone who has ever considered or attempted suicide has two distinct and tragic faces. It is doubtful that anyone who has ever considered or attempted suicide has ever been consciously, clearly aware of their two very tragic faces, since if they were suicide would not be an option. One face of the suicider is the “against self” side that is the most obvious, the ultimate pinnacle of poor, sad, self martyrdom. Just imagine a soul that is so deeply unhappy and unfulfilled that they plan and execute their own death. The idea is psychically and spiritually unprecedented.  How terribly sad. The truth is that any suicider is the most victimized and tortured and traumatized and deprived and unfulfilled soul on our beautiful but harrowing Earth.  The most hideous criminal or warmonger, the worst of the insane, the deepest of the depressives, the homeless, the medicated, the lost, are all psychologically and emotionally healthier and saner than the suicider.  The suicider suffered more than any child, had worse parents, worse life experiences, and more tragedy and disappointment than any soul in our world, and it is usually not visible on the surface, and that is the exact problem.  Hating and killing others, torturing and abusing self, running away and complete social dysfunctionality, are all more sensible than what the suicider does to themselves and others.  We must ask ourselves, what happened to us and what happened to others for us and them to contemplate or attempt suicide?  How very sad and tragic.  The truth is that no matter what has happened so hideous as to trigger ideas and acts of self death, it is all healable all treatable, all curable, all grievable, all fixable.  So why does a person not realize or reach out for treatment and healing? The suicider is totally innocent, and a deeply sick person. Now we move on to the second face of suicide that as an act is not so innocent.

Now the second face of the suicide, the face “against others”. Suicide is not a poor, tragic act of self martyrdom any more than cold blooded murder is a compassionate act of mercy.  Suicide is the ultimate, the pinnacle act of rage and hatred and retaliation and revenge against self and a specific victim or many victims. The vast majority of us rage and hate and venge and retaliate and punish ourselves and the ones we supposedly love through promiscuity and addiction, through irresponsibility and criminality, through abuse and deprivation, through our myriad array of compulsions and failures.  The ultimate act of rage and hate and punishment against self and others is suicide.  The suicider is a tragically and cruelly hurt hater that has turned inwards to annihilate self permanently as a final weapon of mercy for self and punishment against self on the surface, but in reality suicide is the ultimate weapon of cruelty and hate against the persons responsible for the original soul murder of the suicider, and suicide is the highest form of perpetrated hate upon Life.

The suicider is the ultimate manifestation of the expression “caught between a rock and a hard place”, or in Spanish, “entre la espada y la pared” (between the sword and the wall). On the surface the suicider does not appear to be rageful, hateful, or vengeful, and the suicider does not look to be a victim of complete soul murder at the hands of parents and our society, but nothing short of pure and complete soul murder, and the highest level of rage and hatred could propel a spirit to end its own life.  The suicider is a trapped volcano in internal eruption, and in the end the entire volcano implodes and disappears, leaving all that love it and need it and depend on it forever in its grip of vengeance and death, while appearing simply self annihilating.  The suicider is seething and festering, and the suicider is sinking and poisoning, and normally “no one really noticed”, the exact issue, the exact pain, that lead to the implosion.

If the suicider could realize that they have been successfully traumatized and deprived in the most cruel and hideous, sneaky, underhanded, and sick way by parents and caregivers, if the suicider could realize that they are victims and innocent, that they are very, very sick, and that they are the most lethal hate weapon that Love has ever designed, and that they themselves are the explosive inside the most harmful bomb in history, they might think more than even twice about harming themselves. If they could realize that suiciding is simply giving in to use and abuse, suiciders would break out and hate openly against others instead of against self.  Suicide is the most tragic of all our Loves and lives, and suicide is the saddest act of all of Love and life.

If you the reader are simply interested or curious about suicide to be reading this, or happening by, but have never been a victim of a suicider, or ever contemplated or attempted suicide yourself, then read on or not, for this essay is just simply anecdotal to you.  If you have been a victim of a suicider, if you have been served the ultimate cleaver of vengeance that Life has yet to design, the question is  “what have you done, and what was your role in the perpetration of the murder of the soul of the suicider to have your own soul permanently retaliated against”.  If you do not know, then you have hit on the very problem that you are a victim of.  If you the reader, and yes I can feel you, have ever contemplated suicide or attempted suicide, the next paragraph is for you.

Hello suicider. I know very well that you are not a fool, and I do not underestimate you or disrespect you in any way. First I want to address your first face, the face of the poor suffering soul that just cannot take anymore, the face that can only dream of saying goodbye forever to this cruel life.  Who do you think you are kidding?  Don’t you dare give in to your hateful and cruel mother and father, and all those people that have virtually successfully murdered your soul. I say virtually because you are reading this, and because, let’s be honest since this is not 1952, you are and have been royally fucked over, and now this essay is designed to really fuck your plans of suicide  over. If you end your, life your hateful and cruel parents and caregivers win, and the sneaky haters managed to gore you seemingly innocently to the point that you take it upon yourself to blame yourself, to end yourself, and they get off scot free.  No way.  You were meant to be born strong and loving and resilient, and you still are deep inside, and YOU WILL NOT LOSE THIS SICK GAME AT YOUR EXPENSE.  You can and will realize that you have been deeply hurt, and you are dangerously sick, and you will win in the end by surviving this life, and you will point the finger where it belongs, and that is away from yourself.  You are innocent and a victim, and YOU WILL NOT PAY FOR THE CRIMES OF OTHERS!

Second face tricky suicider.  I know that you are no fool, and I do not underestimate you or disrespect you in any way. But I see you hiding in there as a vilified hater. Your soul was traumatized and deprived and your needs crushed and ignored, and in the most clever and subtle ways so that you cannot easily point your finger at those that have so deeply disappointed you and broke your heart. I am so sorry for you and my heart  goes out to you, you poor, innocent person. But again, you are no fool, and you know damn well that you will win in the end, and you know damn well that he or she who laughs last wins, and if that means killing yourself to play the ultimate trump card of rageful and vengeful hate annihilation at your perpetrators, even at the expense of your own beautiful life and body, you would take out a whole city. Don’t you dare, for if you do, you will not get the perverse pleasure of going to hell or sending anyone else there in pure vengeful suffering, you will simply once again fall prey to the hate of others, at your own expense, in the guise of simply spreading more hate around.  Once again you were born to be so much bigger and greater and better than that, and the only recipe for a big spirit and great spirit and better spirit is to overcome and supersede and go beyond the poor people that have hurt you. YOU MUST SURVIVE WITHOUT SUCCUMBING TO HATE OR YOU HAVE BEEN TRICKED.

Help is right here suicider:  www.dear-roe-the-muse.com, if you can somehow keep from falling victim to abuse and hate, and if you can somehow keep from abusing and hating.  I remember your true purpose and meaning, and I am sure that you were not meant to be anyone’s fool, or fool anyone else. Healing for you suicider is about recognizing that the rock where you feel trapped and responsible was not erected by you, it is a trap, the hard place is not put there by you, it is a trap, the sword is not forged by you, it is a trap, and the wall that you are against has a special doorway for you, and it is called Hope and Love. You can do what no person ever imagined that you could do, and that is survive, and heal, and go on living.  You will live, you will accept that you have been deeply abused and deprived and victimized, and you will choose not to harm or victimize others. You will no longer fall into their trap, and only by learning to cry and grieve will you ever live the Love that everyone thought they denied you of.  Either way, my heart and the heart of all loving people goes out to you.  This is your choice, and you are loved no matter what you do. 

I expect to see you tomorrow ex suicider.

www.dear-roe-the-muse.com

yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com

Day 122 - Wow Kids Coming Home

Musings From The Heart

An Essay A Day For A Year

By Roe

Day 122 May 1, 2012

Wow Kids Coming Home

Wow to all little girls that grow up to be Wow Ladies and Mothers and Wow to all little boys that grow up to be Wow Gentlemen and Fathers. Wow.

When you were a little girl, it was phenomenal how smart you were. You knew things that even and especially the big, smart grown-ups didn’t know.  Wow.  When you were a little boy it was heart warming how sweet you were.  You were so sensitive and so affectionate.  Wow. When you were a little girl you could just go and go, and you could do anything you wanted, and better than practically any kid, especially boys. You were real girl power. Wow.  When you were a little boy you were the living idea of “fun”, and you just loved to do things and just be all happy.  If anyone wanted to play all they had to do is come over to your house. Wow. When you were a little girl, you had things to say, and you knew what you were talking about. You didn’t open your mouth unless you were right, and you knew that people should listen.  Wow. When you were a little boy you liked everybody, and you wanted everybody to like you.  If anyone needed a real friend, you were the one to be with.  Wow.

Wow to all little girls that grow up to be Wow Ladies and Mothers and Wow to all little boys that grow up to be Wow Gentlemen and Fathers. Wow.

When you were a little girl you just couldn’t wait to run and run and play and play, and you were so good at it.  You were simple determination, and you had so much talent.  Wow.  When you were a little boy you had real plans, and you dreamed of so many things.  You were a hero and everyone had to watch out when you came into town.  Wow.  When you were a little girl things all made sense, and you loved making order out of things.  If anyone needed help to know what to do, you were the fair little girl that they could count on.  Wow. When you were a little boy you were so nice and kind. When people and animals were unhappy or hurt you were the first to be on their side and want to help.  Wow.  When you were a little girl you knew exactly how to do the right thing.  You were so well liked, and you earned it yourself for being so fair and capable.  Wow.  When you were a little boy you really trusted grown ups and knew that you wanted to be just like them.  You smiled so much to everyone and you wanted them to like you just the same.  Wow.

Wow to all little girls that grow up to be Wow Ladies and Mothers and Wow to all little boys that grow up to be Wow Gentlemen and Fathers. Wow.

When you were a little girl you spent endless hours practicing with your fantasies how to be just the best and happiest wife and mommy in the world.  You knew who was in charge, and you were so sweet and lady like about it.  Wow.  When you were a little boy you spent endless hours exploring and conquering the world.  If anyone needed a good boy to save the day and make everything right again, you were the greatest of all. Wow.  When you were a little girl you really admired your Mommy when she was a good Mommy, and you really loved your Daddy when he was a good Daddy.  When Mommy and Daddy fell short of their best you noticed it immediately, and you looked at them and went to them to let them know that what they did was not good enough.  Wow.  When you were a little boy you really worshipped your Mommy and your Daddy.  You really loved your Mommy and Daddy, and when they were not a good Mommy or Daddy it was Ok, because you knew that they must know what they are doing, and you trusted that they would fix any problems.  Wow.  When you were a little girl you were amazing and really knew things and could do things. You were the apple of Daddy’s eye, and you were Mommy’s little right hand girl.  Wow.  When you were a little boy you were really funny, and you could make anyone smile.  You were Mommy’s little man, and you made Daddy proud as his little champ that wanted to be just like him.  Wow.

Wow to all little girls that grow up to be Wow Ladies and Mothers and Wow to all little boys that grow up to be Wow Gentlemen and Fathers. Wow.

When you were a little girl you knew and expected that you were seen as you really were, and that you were accepted and approved of and loved for how you really were.  Wow.  When you were a little boy you trusted and hoped that you were seen and as you really were, and that you were accepted and approved of and loved for how you really were.  Wow.  When you were a little girl you just couldn’t wait to grow up and be a real lady and mother and show everyone in the world just who you were and how it could be done as a real lady and mother.  Wow.  When you were a little boy you just couldn’t wait to grow up to be a real gentleman and show everyone in the world just who you were and just how you could be a real gentleman and father.  Wow.

Wow to all little girls that grow up to be Wow Ladies and Mothers and Wow to all little boys that grow up to be Wow Gentlemen and Fathers. Wow.

I’m so sorry that this essay is so painful to read as we all twinge inside with the faint memory of how miraculous we all were before we had to run away and hide in survival as children.  I’m so sorry for you and for me.  I’m so sorry that we never got to be the amazing little girls and boys that we were once.  I’m so sorry that no one really ever saw us as the prodigies that we still are inside, and I’m so sorry that no one ever really listened to us, or trusted us, or valued how special we were. I’m so sorry for how badly we were all treated, for how all little girls were diminished and silenced, and relegated to inferiors today. I know how infuriating it is. I’m so sorry for how all us little boys were toughened cruelly out of our sweetness to be the insensitive men we are today. I know how mean that was and how that hurts.

 If we all still hope to be real ladies and the best mothers, if we all hope to be real gentleman and the best fathers, we must bring conscious how painful it is to read this essay as a lonely and longing little child still inside of our adult selves, and realize how painful it is to have lost and to miss our own amazing inner children that our parents did not want and could not tolerate. None of us were seen and accepted and approved of and loved as just who and how we were, and all of us suffered at the hands of our faulty parents that did not listen to us, that did not believe us, that did not trust us, and that did not really love us as we were.  In order to come home to our savvy, funny, capable, affectionate inner children we must realize that our parents hurt us, and our parents suppressed us, and our parents failed us. We must all stop idealizing and worshipping and protecting and making excuses for our parents. “They did the best they can”, or “they meant well” are lies and cover ups for knowing that our parents failed us, so that we may hide and deny our pain, and so that our parents do not have to face what they have done to us.

There is no need or gain to face our parents now in the present about the past, for they are victims themselves of their own even crueler parents and world, and the past cannot be healed simply with the mind in the present. We must cry and grieve back to the pains of the past, and our parents in the present can do nothing to help us do that. There is no gain at all to worship invented fathers in the sky, or virgin mothers, or even attempt to meditate away our pain, for we may only find and heal our lost inner children by openly knowing that our parents hurt us and failed us, and our religions openly hurt us and failed us, and by blaming our parents and religions privately. Our only hope is to first realize that we are sad and hurting from what happened to us as children, and then in our hearts and minds eye blame and hurt and mourn and grieve and cry out all the pain and outrage of our suffering at the hands of our faulty parents and religions. In the present you may still honor and cherish and love your parents and your religion, but unless you can rage and cry at the perpetrators privately, your parents and your religion have successfully amputated your smart little girl forever, and crushed your sweet little boy forever. 

Let us not be caught  in the trap of idealizing any mother or father, our flesh and blood ones, or our imaginary ones, for we will find ourselves in a trap of pain that can never be healed.  There is no loss or taboo or sacrilege in putting the blame where it belongs, and putting the pain where it belongs, putting the healing where it belongs, and our inner children expect it and demand it and hope for it.  When we can cry and rage and grieve for what happened to us, we can finally recover our true amazing selves, and it is only our true amazing selves that can honestly honor and forgive and respect our parents and our belief systems.

You are so special, and so amazing.  Wow.  It is time to remember who we were and who we were meant to become, and what we were meant to do here on Earth.  And it is not becoming a dutiful servant or product of our parents or our archaic religions.  We were way beyond that when we were very tiny and hopeful as ourselves, and I know you remember pieces of that. Let’s get on with making our lives self made and self lived, and let’s get on with making Earth the home it was meant to be for us all.  Our parents and religions have clearly failed to do that. What they have succeeded at is birthing us, and even if severely wounded little children, we can thank them for making sure that we grew up.  

Now this is our time, and we must return to the children we were by facing what our parents did to us for us to lose our amazing child selves. We owe it to our own inner children and to our own children to not repeat this cruel cycle of dishonoring the miracles that come each new generation. The way we can do that is to privately, in our own grieving hearts, face our faulty parents and our deep disappointment at not having been honored and cherished and loved just as we were, just as we still are deep inside us.

Wow to all little girls that grow up to heal themselves so the can be Wow Ladies and Mothers and Wow to all little boys that grow up to heal themselves so they can be Wow Gentlemen and Fathers. Wow.

See you tomorrow.

www.dear-roe-the-muse.com

yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com 

Day 121- The No Compromise Of Selfhood

Musings From The Heart

An Essay A Day For A Year

By Roe

Day 121 April 30, 2012

The No Compromise Of Selfhood

Living a life of compromise is living a life watered down, unless we live a life of acceptance and gratitude of living a life of compromise, in which case we are truly living a full strength life.  After a harrowing childhood where I had to deny and suppress my innate self just to survive, after a lifetime of searching and recovery, I still do not fully know my self or who I am, or what I truly want, or where I am going or why.  As I write this I realize that this sounds sad, and that I sound perhaps unhappy. In truth I am so acceptant of my whole journey as an Earth soul, and so grateful for every part of my life, that in fact I am happy to be me, and I am satisfied with my progress in my journey. To be thankful is to present in acceptance and value of our situation and in fact to be truly living. To be grateful for anything requires awareness and judgment, and to be grateful for anything requires humility and appreciation. Living a life of awareness and judgment, and living a life of humility and appreciation, is truly living, no matter what our situation. I have accepted and I am grateful for my life of compromise.

When we live a life of awareness and judgment in gratitude, we naturally earmark the things that we are grateful for, and are fulfilled by, as well as the things that we are grateful for, but wish to change or improve. When we live a life of humility and appreciation, we naturally earmark the things that we humbly appreciate and want to maintain, as well as the things that we humbly appreciate and wish to better or to end.  Living a life of gratitude is living with an open and present, acceptant mind, ever willing to dwell in the grace of the moment, even if unhappy, but in this humble and grateful awareness we are ever willful to continue to evolve towards our own true fulfillment.  This feeling of acceptance and gratitude is an innate expression of our Love heart, and it is not a learned trait or trait needing practice, unless we lose our true selves.  A self that is not acceptant, or not grateful, not aware and not in valuation judgment, not humble and not in appreciation, is a self that is lost. Any soul that is lost is living a life of compromise, but without the awareness and gratitude to fully live.

When we encounter ourselves or others that are lost from themselves, it is our natural, compassionate and empathetic response to reach out to this lost person, or ourselves, with Love and care, with comprehension and grace. Poor souls we are and poor souls there are out there who are lost from themselves, lost from Love, lost from appreciation and gratitude for this harrowing, but miraculous life that we are all living.  Any person struggling with any illness, physical or mental or emotional, any person involved with violence or criminality or war, any person struggling with compulsions and addictions of any kind, any person who is unhappy and unfulfilled in any way, is lost from their true selves. We are all living a life of compromise where we are settling for less than who and what we are, and settling for less in our lives of compromise where we get a tiny piece of the many things that we truly dream of and deserve. Only lost souls find it difficult to reach out to the lost souls (sick) and lost souls (criminal) and lost souls (insane) and lost souls (suffering).  How can we reach out to others when we cannot reach out to ourselves, or even become aware that we ourselves are lost from ourselves?  We are all lost from ourselves and trying to find our way home.

When I was a boy I dreamed of many things that it turns out had very little to do with who I really was, since I was long lost to myself. I worked and tried and hoped so hard to fulfill these dreams, and I did pretty well, but each time the fulfillment of my dreams brought me no closer to happiness, no closer to acceptance and gratitude, no closer to humility and appreciation, than before embarking in whatever the endeavor was at the time.  It finally crept into my consciousness that I was in fact truly unhappy, truly lost, and truly in very real danger of the temptations of Life that took down so many of the people that I had admired and respected during my life.  All my life I witnessed the destruction that mistakenly falling in Love and then being badly jilted caused, the destruction that perverse sexuality and drugs and alcohol caused, the destruction that greed and ambition and selfishness caused, the destruction that religion and spirituality and this and that belief systems caused, the destruction that depression and suicide and criminality and so many other escapes caused.  All I could muster doing was to become very cautious and very conservative, very self absorbed, and very loathe to compromise. I intuited from deep within that, without gratitude and acceptance of my self, I could never truly compromise and be happy with anything. 

The largest detrimental effects upon my self and life were the very effects pleading and demanding of me that I compromise, and in effect become “normal” like them, my parents, my family, my culture and country, my politics and religion and society, all that had spawned me and my lost-ness.  My answer I declared, against all odds, all warnings, all tears and fears from virtually everyone, was to embark on an indefinite trip around the world on a motorcycle, “for the adventure”, and “in search of my self”.  What I did in fact was to “not compromise”, and to follow my own self and heart, despite the fact that I could not feel my self or my heart consciously at that time. During the many years that I was “on the road”, I ritually avoided all sex entanglements, (no compromise) except for the one beauty that was right for me, I ritually avoided all alcohol and drugs and crime and career (no compromise) and entanglements that were not for and about me, and I ritually avoided invented crutch religions and ridiculous belief systems that simply pasted more compromise on top of everyone.

During this time I truly descended into loneliness and unhappiness and misery. I think back even today to these years 20 years ago and tears well up in my eyes at the loneliness and pain of my lost self struggling to surface, and of the trust of self that it took to never compromise or settle for less, despite not having a clue what that was or why I was doing it. Now I realize that I simply followed my heart, taking heat from everyone all the time for my being “different” and “odd”, and never really being accepted by anyone.  I finally chose the girl I was meant to love my whole life, no less different or odd or uncompromising than me, and we have had 4 soul bending, prodigious children.  As a unit of 6, we have made many, many difficult yet wonderful compromises. The difference now is that after decades of feeling the grief and tears and pain of having lost myself, and after recovering pieces of my self, I now look back with humble gratitude for all that has happened to me, not as a belief system or effort of any kind, but as natural thanks, like smiling at the bus driver and saying thank you as you step out onto the sidewalk.

I have never lived anything less than a full strength life, never watered down until I was ready, willing, and able to simply appreciate and be grateful for the compromises that Love and Life and Family expected of me. A watered down life is not a weak compromise at all if we are grateful and acceptant, for there is no such thing as a watered down life when you are your real true self and you are happy.  May you all be as selfish as you need to be to recover and be acceptant and grateful for your true self and your true life.

See you tomorrow.

www.dear-roe-the-muse.com

yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com

           

Day 120 - The Crossroads Of Redemption

Musings From The Heart

An Essay A Day For A Year

By Roe

Day 120 April 29, 2012

The Crossroads Of Redemption

Life does not stand still, for we are ever moving from here to there, from potentiality to manifestation, from idea to action, from young to old, from hungry to sated, and back. Since the “Big Bang”, we are ever expanding, ever moving, and ironically, ever simultaneously degrading. Every second of our lives we stand at the crossroads of Life and are asked to make a decision which way to go. In Life there are only two seeming choices, one is degradation, the natural fall of all things, and the other is elevation, the very nature of rebirthing Love. Degradation is already our natural kinetic choice that is irreversible, so in fact there is only one choice, to elevate through Love and loving is our only very own beautiful and often difficult choice that we can make.

All things degrade all the time. There is the original Love existence, the original Love form, the original Love wholeness of Love design and Love manifestation, and then there is the degradation and decline of Love into nothing, which is beautifully still Love. Every flower that wilts and wanes and rots to enrich the soil big-bangs back into life in the spring with 20 child flower buds. The action is Love and Life, and the reaction is degradation and death, but degradation and death are not simply the physics of equal and opposite re actions, but Love itself rebirthing.

Love “is” the Big Bang, and every time male genitalia meets female genitalia in the procreation of every species, Love elevates into Life, grass sprouts, flowers bloom, fetuses grow, and “we” become Life and the expression of Love. Life manifests its genetic nature in our destiny through instinct and survival, and the effects of Love in our random nurture and the free will to alter nature and destiny have the power to elevate Life even during its simultaneous degradation.  The cycle of Life is the cycle of Love, from conception and then fall to death, while during the process we all sow many seeds of more re engendering Life along the way.

We humans are Nature’s and Life’s and Love’s crowning achievement, for we are conscious of our Nature and Life and Love, and we have the ability to alter our place and time and Nature and Life and Love. Nevertheless we are Love no less or more than a mere stone or microbe, and contrary to ridiculously arrogant human-centric, archaic Earth religions that pretend to make us superior or the center, even if we are made by God in the image of God, so is dung and every dinosaur that ruled and then disappeared before us. Behold Dung-God and Dino-God.  God is simply the idea of Love, in each and every manifested aspect of our universe, and we are surely no more special or particular than any other of the many zillions of species throughout the history of the universe. 

As sentient and conscious Nature-God creations, we are surely not alone in the universe, or the first, or the last, or ever in actuality created or “being” in the image of God any more or less than any alien to Earth might be, or any despicable or hateful thing or act. We are all simply visitors to Life, while being Life itself right down to our dino-dung god-nature cores.  What makes us the crowning achievement of Love-Nature-God, or whatever you may like to call Love, is that we are aware of ourselves, and we always have a choice to make, onward into decline and degradation and death, or elevating ourselves and all Life through Love into redemptive decline and redemptive degradation and redemptive death.

Redemption in Life is not an idea, or a belief system, or an external practice, or something that some other spirit or person or thing does for us.  Redemption is simply following the core organ of Love and Life, following our hearts, and following the elevation of all Life through Love and loving.  When we stand at the crossroads of Life in every moment of our lives, we have the choice to elevate all Life through Love, and thereby redeem ourselves and all Life, or we have the choice to simply degrade, to decline, and to die, without living the redemptive Love-heart potentiality that we all possess.

The momentary impact of declining the choice to Love, as the inconsequential  being that we are on this spec in the universe called Earth, does not go unnoticed, for our love-choice-actions remain a wave of missed Love potentiality that reverberate in all hearts and throughout the universe forever.  The choice to elevate Love and Life as a gesture of human free will, as the inconsequential being that we are on this spec in the universe called Earth, is the very energy that forces the grass sprouts out in the spring, the very energy in the wind beneath the wings of song birds, and the very energy in the smile of a joyous infant loving you and hoping for your Love.  The joyous energy of freely chosen, elevating, conscious human Love cannot be underestimated or overshadowed by simply degradation and decline. We are Love, knowingly so, and humbly and powerfully at the serving hands of all Life.

We are in fact all just random, symbiotic manifestations of perfect Life adaptation, which is a very long way to spell Love and Life and Nature and God.  We are Love, we are Life, we are Nature, and we are God. We are the conscious, pinnacle ascenters of spiritual-biological Everest, and ironically we have just noticed that spiritual, sentient, conscious Everest even stands before us, for we have just begun. Love loves us as much as Life and Nature and God loves us, which is a way of saying that we are aware that we can love ourselves and we are aware that we can love each other and all life and life forms, including inanimate life, and life seemingly unseen or unknown life.

The pinnacle of spiritual-biological Everest for us humans is when a man loves a woman, and this same woman loves this same man, when Her egg opens to His sperm, when the Big Bang recreates itself in the womb of every actual Goddess. This man can elevate or degrade her with His Love for Her, and this same woman can elevate or degrade this same man with her Love for Him, and the human embryo and fetus and newborn and child and youth and adult that follows will carry forward this encoded elevation or degradation, and then decline into death from there.

Miraculously, through conscious choice of elevating Love at every choice crossroads, this newborn, child, youth, and adult, can elevate and redeem Love at any time, even and especially during the decline and degradation of Life.  We are all that newborn and child and youth and adult, and we are all humbly and powerfully serving Life and Nature, and Love.  We, as our human hearts are Love’s redemption, and it is our choice any time we want to make it.

See you tomorrow.

www.dear-roe-the-muse.com

yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com   

Day 119 - Goodbye Ben

Musings From The Heart

An Essay A Day For A Year

By Roe

Day 119 April 28, 2012

Goodbye Ben

How sad to drive by an accident scene, fire trucks and ambulances all around, police directing traffic, shocked onlookers whispering amongst themselves, and a stretcher with a body covered by a sheet.  One minute a very typical older man is driving along in his pickup on a mountain road, and the next he is careening down a ravine rolling over and over. I waited with my wife and kids for nearly an hour since the road was closed while the rescue crews winched his mangled pickup back up onto the road. During this time I felt as though one of us had left Earth, and when I saw a mans feet, covered in blood, sticking out from underneath the sheet on the stretcher, I knew that is was the driver of the wrecked pickup. Every second of every day we spirits come and go, and we have done so for longer than we have yet to record or prove. Birth is celebrated and death is mourned, but spiritually it is simply “door open” and then “door closed”. 

On a direct and momentary level, when I feel a spirit closing the door, I first feel a rush of gratitude, I feel: “Wow!, thank you so much for coming!”. I then feel deep sadness: “Oh no, you poor soul, goodbye!”.  And then finally I feel elation: “Now you’re home again, oh how wonderful!”.  For me, learning of a death is a 1-2-3 of the thank you of braving to come here to Earth, then the sadness of it coming to an end, and then the delight of going back home to peace again. 

When the older man died today I felt as though I was reviewing his long life for him and sharing his oohs and aahs and making his purpose here purposeful and his meaning meaningful.  I feel so impressed that he came here, that he tried so hard, that he suffered so much, that he accomplished so much, and that he again fell so short of what he accepted to take on. I then cried inside as the moment of death actually overtook him, as he felt that the end was upon him, and as he himself reviewed his purpose and meaning, and as he cried out for the loves that he made and lost while he lived. 

At that moment I always desire to change the way things “are”, and I want to cheat psychically and spiritually.  If I had my way I would have had “Ben”, I’ll call him, go around to all the people he loved and would miss, and all the people that loved him and would miss him, so he could say: “Goodbye! Today I will over drive a sharp corner, lose control of my pickup, and die as roll over and over down a canyon, and I just want to say goodbye and that I love you and I will miss you”.  When Ben actually died, he was doing just that, in exquisite slow motion, with every person that he touched here on Earth, and everyone that touched him. 

The part that breaks my heart is that he never actually, consciously, got to do that. As I write this essay only hours after his “dying” and his closing the door once more to his mortality, most of the people whose lives he touched and most of the people who touched his life, do not yet know that Ben is dead. I feel so sad for Ben and for all those that will experience the shock of “what?, and the tears of “oh no”!  I just want to say: “Goodbye Ben, thank you for coming!   And, Oh no Ben! It is time to close the door and sadly not be able to say goodbye.  And, how sweet it is Ben that now you are clear sailing again, and all is well where there is no need to sail at all”. I also want to say: “I’m so sorry” to all of those that know that Ben has died, and I wish I could hug them all and sit with then as their tears and condolences fall all around.  I never knew Ben face to face, but he is already missed.

Now for us living, who maintain the door of mortality open, it is time that we move on and keep Living, for that is what the spirit of dead Ben is wanting and expecting.  Ben wants to remind me and for me to remind us all, that our own doors and the doors of everyone we love are slowly closing.  We are dying minute by minute and day by day, and so is everyone that we will ever meet, and all those that we will not have the fortune or misfortune to meet.  Please go and kiss your sleeping child right now.  Please go and beg for forgiveness from your estranged loved one, even if you feel that you are not at fault.  Death is upon you, and you will not make it until morning, let alone make it to the next breath.  The people you love just fell into a ravine end over end with Ben, they just fought to cancer’s end, they just overdosed on whatever was at hand just to have peace from our world.

You and I fellow lover and struggler of Earth are here as chaperones to love and cherish Love, and to Love and preserve the Love of the living, no matter what the circumstances.  Our time here is brief, and every act and lesson and Love, dark or light, worthy or disappointing, is a sharing of the life of all souls, especially those that we touch and that touch us.  This means that nothing matters more than appreciating each other, and nothing matters more than using every moment together to say: “Wow!  Thank you for being here!  I just love and appreciate you and your gesture so much!  We must take every opportunity to feel: “Oh how sad!  Is it your time now?  For if it is I just want you to know how much you mean to me, to Life!  Goodbye in advance!  And finally:  Please don’t worry!   I worry too.  I feel too.  I strive and fail and struggle and love and lose, just like you, and I want to go home too. We are always together, now and when we are not, but this living and feeling and being time here on Earth is beyond precious value for you and me, and we must make it as priceless as it feels, every moment of every day.

The “body” of Ben with the sheet over his head is not really a body at all, It is you and me in one minute or maybe tomorrow, and it is our child and our wife and our mother and our dear friend this very second, or maybe next week.  Pick up the phone right now and say: “Hi!”, I miss you already!, to every person you value.  Walk down the block and barge right in and say: “Did I mention how much I like you and appreciate you so much?”  When they look shocked or laugh at you, tell them that Ben sent you. He and I will be very happy for your efforts towards appreciating all the Love in our world and helping to spread it all around before it’s our own time to close the door forever. Goodbye Ben, thanks for coming.  See you in bliss some day.

See you tomorrow.

www.dear-roe-the-muse.com

yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com