Musings
From The Heart
An
Essay A Day For A Year
By
Roe
Day
114 April 23, 2012
What
Happened To Me?
When we were conceived, we
were in potentiality “perfect”, enlightened, and omniscient. As we cell divided and developed onto fetuses,
we progressed in “nurture” inside of our Mommies, and we “fell from grace”, and
or evolved into imperfection and de-lightenment. Around the end of the second trimester of womb
life we were more or less fully formed and anatomically complete, and we became
“conscious” of our own existence, and of the watery “world” around us inside
our mothers. If we could have been gestated ideally in every way, and birthed
ideally in every way, and if we could have been “imprinted” and cared for
ideally in every way, we would now still have one and only one complete and
unified “consciousness”. Instead, our womb
life was far from ideal, our births were horrific and death defying in
hospitals, and our imprints by our less than healthy and happy pair of parents
were tragic and disappointing to say the least. Our early childhoods may or may
not have appeared ideal on the outside, but emotionally and psychologically, as
compared to our original perfect and enlightened and states at conception, it
was a catastrophe. As a result of the horrors of our womb life and birth and
early childhoods, like every human being on the planet without exception, we
“split” into effectively two parts, two selves, and two brains, and two
different consciousnesses. Either in the
womb, or during birth, or shortly thereafter, we“tore”. I tore into Roe the conscious and Roe the
unconscious.
Today I am effectively two
people, I am Roe the guy that you and I see if we look at me in me in the
mirror, and I am Roe the hidden and repressed, and protected, the unconscious
Roe behind the curtain in my mind, and you are no different. In truth, there was only 100% of Roe
originally, and when I split into two parts, when I tore, I tore along a line
dependent upon the horrors and threats upon me as a fetus and baby and child,
just like you did. The amount of
unconscious “me” available to the conscious “me” depends upon my level of
suffering and survival when I was in the womb, during my birth, and during the
first few hours and days once I was out of Mommy, just like it does with you. There is an urban legend and complete fallacy
that we only use 10% of our minds, but the truth is that we use 100% of our
minds all the time. The fact is we are only aware consciously of 1% to maybe 10%
of what our minds are really doing, and or what our minds are actually capable
of. Our true and original enlightenment and omniscient capability is alive and
well inside us, but when we “tore” and “split” into the conscious-aware and
unconscious-forgotten parts, in effect we lost our unity, our wholeness, and
our potentiality. I’ll call conscious and aware Roe that is writing this Roe 3
½, and the rest of my, my Roe unconscious and defended, is Roe 86 ½, since the
vast majority of me, and you, and all of us is repressed and unconscious.
What caused the
conscious/unconscious rift or division in our minds is simply catastrophic
primal, emotional, psychological trauma and deprivation, and basic unfulfilled
primal needs when we were fetuses and babies and children. My split into Roe awake
and my other Roe that I can’t remember or speak to was caused by terrible
threats upon my very existence and survival, and the same happened to you. This
means that in truth our unconscious minds are a protective mechanism where
anything we should or cannot know, is simply torn from us, and then hidden from
us, by our very selves. When this
happened we weren’t even born yet, or it happened during our births, or right
after birth in the first few seconds or minutes of Life, where our
disappointment at not being properly cared for or loved would have taken our
very lives had we been able to bring it into conscious knowing. This is the truth for all of us, for to be
fully conscious with no division, we would have to have had fully conscious and
enlightened parents, and we would have to have been gestated and birthed and
cared for ideally, both compassionately and lovingly. The truth is that my parents and everyone’s
parents are very sick people in comparison to their own original perfect
conception states, and the way that babies are gestated in our world is far
less than ideal. Modern hospital birth
practices and early childhood imprint and care practices are at best sadistic
and cruel, and these practices cause all of us to suffer severe partial psychological
catatonia, and amnesia, and extreme repression simply to survive.
Once we
are torn and divided from our whole selves, we immediately embark on the long
road home back to ourselves, and the design of Life is for us to return back
through the portal of conception in death, back into blissful infinity, back at
our true potential of perfection and enlightenment. Enlightenment and omniscience is not a
spiritual practice or belief system, and you cannot get there by working or
wishing or wanting or practicing.
Enlightenment is simply the complete and total reunification of our
conscious and unconscious minds.
Enlightenment is simply total and complete healing of the heart and
mind, emotionally, psychologically, and psychically. When I am using 100% of my mind and heart
again, with one single Roe called Roe 100%, I will effectively be enlightened
and omniscient. The road back home to
one true self, one true enlightened being, while still alive and breathing on
this planet, has never been accomplished in history by any person, including
and especially any prophet, including Jesus and Buddha and Mohammed or any
other. The idea is a potentiality, and the true fulfillment of the potentiality
is in effect total alignment with blissful infinity, also known as death.
Happiness
in my Life, and spirituality in my life, and the road to enlightenment in my
life, is about healing pain, and it is the same for you. I must recover what I lost through the fall of
my faulty nurture at the hands of my parents and my world, and I lost the major
piece of my actual self, I lost Roe 86 ½, and he is still right there inside of
me. The question I must ask myself is “what happened to me”, and “why am I so
defended and amnesiatic and repressed and catatonically divided”? As I begin my healing, my road home to my
potential perfection, as I inquire into the past and as I shift myself towards
healing, terrifying and seemingly life threatening pain begins to surface from
Roe 86 ½ to my conscious 3 ½ me.
When pain surfaces I must
embrace my innate healing mechanism, which is grieving, to repair my hear t and psyche, and that is
through feeling the pain and repressed emotions that Roe 86 ½ has been protecting me from. I must cry and
scream and mourn and grieve for my long lost self. It is clear that when I was a fetus and
newborn and small child, conscious knowledge of these traumas and deprivations
and unfulfilled needs would have actually physically killed me. As an adult the healing process of my heart
and mind is to recognize that the event is long past and over, and the actual
threat from my early life is no longer life threatening. I must develop the courage to face the unfaceable,
and I must care enough to retrieve the lost “me”.
When I recover all of me,
when I am once again the one and only Roe 100%, I have come home to myself and
my true potential perfection. I probably
won’t ever complete the whole journey in this lifetime, but I plan on giving it
my best shot. May you all give it your
own best shot at facing and grieving what happened to you and recovering your
whole selves too.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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