Musings
From The Heart
An
Essay A Day For A Year
By
Roe
Day
123 May 2, 2012
The
Two Faces Of Suicide
Anyone who has ever
considered or attempted suicide has two distinct and tragic faces. It is
doubtful that anyone who has ever considered or attempted suicide has ever been
consciously, clearly aware of their two very tragic faces, since if they were
suicide would not be an option. One face of the suicider is the “against self”
side that is the most obvious, the ultimate pinnacle of poor, sad, self martyrdom.
Just imagine a soul that is so deeply unhappy and unfulfilled that they plan
and execute their own death. The idea is psychically and spiritually
unprecedented. How terribly sad. The
truth is that any suicider is the most victimized and tortured and traumatized
and deprived and unfulfilled soul on our beautiful but harrowing Earth. The most hideous criminal or warmonger, the
worst of the insane, the deepest of the depressives, the homeless, the
medicated, the lost, are all psychologically and emotionally healthier and
saner than the suicider. The suicider
suffered more than any child, had worse parents, worse life experiences, and
more tragedy and disappointment than any soul in our world, and it is usually
not visible on the surface, and that is the exact problem. Hating and killing others, torturing and
abusing self, running away and complete social dysfunctionality, are all more sensible
than what the suicider does to themselves and others. We must ask ourselves, what happened to us
and what happened to others for us and them to contemplate or attempt
suicide? How very sad and tragic. The truth is that no matter what has happened
so hideous as to trigger ideas and acts of self death, it is all healable all treatable,
all curable, all grievable, all fixable.
So why does a person not realize or reach out for treatment and healing?
The suicider is totally innocent, and a deeply sick person. Now we move on to
the second face of suicide that as an act is not so innocent.
Now the second face of the
suicide, the face “against others”. Suicide is not a poor, tragic act of self
martyrdom any more than cold blooded murder is a compassionate act of
mercy. Suicide is the ultimate, the
pinnacle act of rage and hatred and retaliation and revenge against self and a
specific victim or many victims. The vast majority of us rage and hate and
venge and retaliate and punish ourselves and the ones we supposedly love
through promiscuity and addiction, through irresponsibility and criminality,
through abuse and deprivation, through our myriad array of compulsions and
failures. The ultimate act of rage and
hate and punishment against self and others is suicide. The suicider is a tragically and cruelly hurt
hater that has turned inwards to annihilate self permanently as a final weapon
of mercy for self and punishment against self on the surface, but in reality
suicide is the ultimate weapon of cruelty and hate against the persons
responsible for the original soul murder of the suicider, and suicide is the
highest form of perpetrated hate upon Life.
The suicider is the ultimate
manifestation of the expression “caught between a rock and a hard place”, or in
Spanish, “entre la espada y la pared” (between the sword and the wall). On the
surface the suicider does not appear to be rageful, hateful, or vengeful, and
the suicider does not look to be a victim of complete soul murder at the hands
of parents and our society, but nothing short of pure and complete soul murder,
and the highest level of rage and hatred could propel a spirit to end its own
life. The suicider is a trapped volcano
in internal eruption, and in the end the entire volcano implodes and
disappears, leaving all that love it and need it and depend on it forever in
its grip of vengeance and death, while appearing simply self annihilating. The suicider is seething and festering, and
the suicider is sinking and poisoning, and normally “no one really noticed”,
the exact issue, the exact pain, that lead to the implosion.
If the suicider could
realize that they have been successfully traumatized and deprived in the most
cruel and hideous, sneaky, underhanded, and sick way by parents and caregivers,
if the suicider could realize that they are victims and innocent, that they are
very, very sick, and that they are the most lethal hate weapon that Love has
ever designed, and that they themselves are the explosive inside the most
harmful bomb in history, they might think more than even twice about harming
themselves. If they could realize that suiciding is simply giving in to use and
abuse, suiciders would break out and hate openly against others instead of
against self. Suicide is the most tragic
of all our Loves and lives, and suicide is the saddest act of all of Love and
life.
If you the reader are simply
interested or curious about suicide to be reading this, or happening by, but
have never been a victim of a suicider, or ever contemplated or attempted
suicide yourself, then read on or not, for this essay is just simply anecdotal
to you. If you have been a victim of a suicider,
if you have been served the ultimate cleaver of vengeance that Life has yet to
design, the question is “what have you
done, and what was your role in the perpetration of the murder of the soul of
the suicider to have your own soul permanently retaliated against”. If you do not know, then you have hit on the
very problem that you are a victim of.
If you the reader, and yes I can feel you, have ever contemplated
suicide or attempted suicide, the next paragraph is for you.
Hello suicider. I know very
well that you are not a fool, and I do not underestimate you or disrespect you
in any way. First I want to address your first face, the face of the poor
suffering soul that just cannot take anymore, the face that can only dream of
saying goodbye forever to this cruel life.
Who do you think you are kidding?
Don’t you dare give in to your hateful and cruel mother and father, and
all those people that have virtually successfully murdered your soul. I say
virtually because you are reading this, and because, let’s be honest since this
is not 1952, you are and have been royally fucked over, and now this essay is
designed to really fuck your plans of suicide
over. If you end your, life your hateful and cruel parents and
caregivers win, and the sneaky haters managed to gore you seemingly innocently
to the point that you take it upon yourself to blame yourself, to end yourself,
and they get off scot free. No way. You were meant to be born strong and loving
and resilient, and you still are deep inside, and YOU WILL NOT LOSE THIS SICK
GAME AT YOUR EXPENSE. You can and will
realize that you have been deeply hurt, and you are dangerously sick, and you
will win in the end by surviving this life, and you will point the finger where
it belongs, and that is away from yourself.
You are innocent and a victim, and YOU WILL NOT PAY FOR THE CRIMES OF
OTHERS!
Second face tricky
suicider. I know that you are no fool,
and I do not underestimate you or disrespect you in any way. But I see you hiding
in there as a vilified hater. Your soul was traumatized and deprived and your
needs crushed and ignored, and in the most clever and subtle ways so that you
cannot easily point your finger at those that have so deeply disappointed you
and broke your heart. I am so sorry for you and my heart goes out to you, you poor, innocent person. But
again, you are no fool, and you know damn well that you will win in the end,
and you know damn well that he or she who laughs last wins, and if that means
killing yourself to play the ultimate trump card of rageful and vengeful hate
annihilation at your perpetrators, even at the expense of your own beautiful
life and body, you would take out a whole city. Don’t you dare, for if you do,
you will not get the perverse pleasure of going to hell or sending anyone else
there in pure vengeful suffering, you will simply once again fall prey to the
hate of others, at your own expense, in the guise of simply spreading more hate
around. Once again you were born to be
so much bigger and greater and better than that, and the only recipe for a big
spirit and great spirit and better spirit is to overcome and supersede and go
beyond the poor people that have hurt you. YOU MUST SURVIVE WITHOUT SUCCUMBING
TO HATE OR YOU HAVE BEEN TRICKED.
Help is right here
suicider: www.dear-roe-the-muse.com, if
you can somehow keep from falling victim to abuse and hate, and if you can
somehow keep from abusing and hating. I
remember your true purpose and meaning, and I am sure that you were not meant
to be anyone’s fool, or fool anyone else. Healing for you suicider is about
recognizing that the rock where you feel trapped and responsible was not
erected by you, it is a trap, the hard place is not put there by you, it is a
trap, the sword is not forged by you, it is a trap, and the wall that you are
against has a special doorway for you, and it is called Hope and Love. You can
do what no person ever imagined that you could do, and that is survive, and
heal, and go on living. You will live,
you will accept that you have been deeply abused and deprived and victimized,
and you will choose not to harm or victimize others. You will no longer fall
into their trap, and only by learning to cry and grieve will you ever live the
Love that everyone thought they denied you of.
Either way, my heart and the heart of all loving people goes out to
you. This is your choice, and you are
loved no matter what you do.
I expect to see you tomorrow
ex suicider.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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