Musings
From The Heart
An
Essay A Day For A Year
By
Roe
Day
110 April 19, 2012
Come
On! - You Can Trust Me!
There are two ways to look at
and practice trusting a person; either the cup is half full and we are filling
it up with trust together, or the cup is half empty, and we are losing trust
together. I am curious which part of the “cup” you find yourself in? If you are a Light-emist, like me, you trust
people 100% until they prove otherwise, why wouldn’t you? If you are a Dark-emist, “trust is earned and
established”, and you trust people 0% until they prove otherwise. Why would you not be careful? Whether you are a Yes-amist or a No-amist
depends more upon your particular womb experience, your birth, and your early
childhood imprinting from your parents, than it does your personality. Optimism and Pessimism and the feelings of
half empty or half full are more the results of Nurture than they are the
results of Nature. The question is what
happened to each one of us to lean more towards suspicion rather than
confidence, or believe more in doubt than in faith?
When we “trust” someone, we invest in their
Easter basket with our eggs. “I hereby
place my confidence eggs and faith eggs and belief eggs in your basket! I trust you!”
This is a blanket feeling of surrendering our belief in a person in hope
and wish and knowledge that all is well and good, for . . .”why wouldn’t it
be?” Then, when the person “let’s us
down”, and causes us to feel doubt or worry or disappointment, we are hurt, and
we reduce our level of trust accordingly.
Now, if the person wishes to reclaim their level of blanket trust, if
they want one of the pretty eggs back in their basket, it must be earned back.
In this way no one is penalized for the history of the truster or the
transgressions of other people in the past.
When we “don’t trust”
someone, we doubt them, we are worried about them, and we withhold our eggs
with caution until we feel safe to “trust” maybe the first little egg. “Come
on, you can trust me!” And you answer
truthfully, (not the ‘yes I trust you but’ baloney that we all say), “Of course
I don’t trust you! I just met you and I
don’t know you! Why should I grant you
trust when you have not earned it” When the person then handles our little egg
carefully and correctly and responsibly and gratefully, we are delighted, and
since the person has now earned his or her place in our heart, we are eager to
sweeten the deal and try the next egg, or even some day the actual chocolate
bunny, the most highly prized of all items in the our Easter trust basket. If
or when the person boo-boos and dishonors or disrespects or violates our eggs
or bunnies, we feel hurt and we retract what we have placed in their basket, if
not the whole basket. In this way all people pay for the histories of the
truster, and for the transgressions of people in the past.
When we “trust” someone, we
become a shareholder in their corporation. Our opinion of them and value of
them and belief in them matters, because we have in fact purchased 1 million
shares in the Disney person at 100 bucks a share. How do we feel when we find
out later that we invested a gillion dollars in happy little mouses and fun
rides, but in fact have purchased 1 million shares in a Western Waste person
that is worth 1 dollar a share. When we
believe that our person is one thing, and through inappropriate behavior or
betrayal we find that they are in fact another, we are hurt, or when Love is
involved, we are devastated.
Our feelings of trust in
another have the deepest roots of all into our own psyches, and into our
hearts. Our belief in others, and their belief in us, represent the belief that
we had in our parents, and the belief that our parents had in us, deep in our
own hearts and psyches. Our very
optimist selves or pessimist selves, or trusting or cautious selves, are
directly related to what happened to us as fetuses and babies and small
children. When we place our trust in others, and when we invest in others, we
are investing in ourselves and others in the present, but we are also dropping
a fishing lure into our deep past, into our deep unconscious psyches, and into
our hearts. If we pull up a beautiful and redeeming and Life affirming
trustworthy fish, we maintain our selves and or even heal and redeem our pasts.
But when we pull out disappointment and betrayal and the same old heartache
fish, the pain is exponential, for we hurt regarding the actual event in the
present, and this resonates with all the similar events of our past, right back
to our childhoods and births and womb life
When we are in Love, and
when we have all our eggs in the basket of another, when we have purchased all
the shares that exist in our one and only lover or spouse’s corporation, the
stakes are exponentially high. Breaking
trust with someone we love or that loves us, is a weapon, it is a neurosis, it
is a tragedy and a travesty, on both sides. Clearly anyone that is “trusted” or
“trustworthy”, and then breaks that trust, is sick, both psychologically and
emotionally. Clearly if we are trustworthy or trusted and we break that trust with
someone we are sick, both psychologically and emotionally. When trust is violated or broken, both sides
are at fault, both the violator and the violated. Trust is a symbiosis of the
trusted and the trusting, and there are no innocents. Deep in our hearts we all know the truth long
before any transgression or violation, the question is whether we have listened
or are listening or not. Our hearts already know, but because of what has
happened to us, we are cut off from our hearts.
If trust were beans, I tend
to drive up to a person and drop off the whole truck load all at once. “I
really trust you! Here, you can have all
my trust beans all at once! I am
confident that you will treat them and me very well!” I have had wonderful fortune in my life with
the amazing people who have honored me and my beans, and I have honored them
and their beans. I believe that in Life
you get what you expect. Of course me and my beans have also been violated and
mistreated and disappointed more than most people, and I suffer dearly for
it. I believe that my suffering is worth
the sacrifice to others, and with the trustworthy people, my gesture ends up
feeling nice and it is affirming and redeeming for both parties. For the sick and neurotic people in my life,
I am the biggest naïve target that there is.
As a result of my mistakes and failures regarding trust, I am getting better and better and discerning
who I can and cannot trust, not in doubt, but by being able to hear my heart,
by knowledge that a person means me harm.
It is as difficult as facing my own childhood and all the times that my
Mom and Dad let me down in similar ways.
Other people will drive
right by with their whole truck load of beans, and maybe hand me one, if I do
just what is hoped for and expected of me. And then tomorrow, if I behave well,
I have earned another bean, another one the next day, and so on. These people
are playing it safe, and they have a reason to, for they have had very few good
“bean” experiences in their lives, and they can no longer hear their true
hearts whether the person in question is trustworthy or not. These people may have a lot less pain and loss
from betrayals than I do, and I envy them.
But I do not envy the idea of going through life feeling fear and doubt,
and of not suffering, for without suffering and crying and grieving, they may
never be able to face what happened to them as children to have a life that is
only half full., and thereby hear their hearts again one day.
The bottom line is that I
trust you, and I know that everything will be OK with us. You may think that I
had a golden childhood, with few betrayals of trust or disappointments to be so
confident and trusting. In fact, I had a
horrific beginning as a fetus and baby and child, perhaps worse than most, so
if anyone would be the cautious bean type, it would be me. Where do I get my
optimism? Fortunately for me, in almost 20 years of deep feeling therapy where
I have grieved into my past, I have discovered that I am a “Sympath”. A Sympath is a baby that never gives up in
the birth canal no matter what, and is born wide awake and railing at the
world. Sympath babies fight their way
out into the world, and “can” and “will”, and are the optimists and the trusting types
without needing proof, because in the end everything works out OK, despite the
pain, just like their births.
The other extreme in birth is the “Para-sympath”,
who is a baby that gives up in the birth canal, and “all is gloom and doom and
I can’t and it won’t happen”, and in the end is born comatose or limp or
lifeless, and in effect knows failure and death, and due to this, inherently
mistrusts. Para-sympaths are the “can’t” and “won’t” babies and are the
pessimist and mistrusting types who always need proof, because in the end
everything ends up in failure and disappointment and giving up in loss and
pain, just like their births.
We are all who we are
innately, and we are all who we are as a result of what happened to us. In
truth the idea of trust is governed by the heart, and when we have clear sight
and sound of our hearts, we trust or don’t trust as who we are based on the
situation, rather than what happened to us from previous experience. If we had a golden gestation in our mothers
and a golden birth and childhood, our hearts and minds would be clear. If we
suffered during womb life and birth and early childhood (all of us), then we
lose sight and sound of our true hearts and our knowledge of when and who to
trust. In this case we are in a sense
navigating blind, and we then base our response and behavior on our past
experiences, and sadly, we tend to get what we expect.
There are two ways to look
at and practice trusting a person. One
way is to remember that they are beautiful and mean well just like we do, and
the other is to remember that the poor people are ugly and mean and mean us
harm, and have suffered a lot, just like we have. In the end we are all sick and
psychologically and emotionally wounded, and we all could use the benefit of
the doubt, and the comprehension and forgiveness for what has happened to us,
and for what we have done as a result of it.
Trust is both given and earned, and this is part of Love. Comprehension and forgiveness and healing are
also part of Love, and Love can heal the past and bring us our trusting
futures.
See you tomorrow.
yourpersonalmuse@gmx.com
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